Friday, April 10, 2009

what I've missed

with Jules last April

This past week has made me realize how much I love my "normal" life. There are always moments or days (or weeks) where I wonder if what I'm doing with my life is what I really want to be doing.

So over the last week, while I've basically been lying in bed staring at the clock willing it to go faster, I've realized that by and large, what I do is an expression of things I love and that make me happy. How much creativity I've built into seemingly routine aspects of my daily life. The number of things I accomplish each day. The extent to which my children's moods are largely a function of how much quality time we spend together.

It's been a hard week. I'm grateful beyond measure to everyone who has made it easier--it's been really, really, really hard to have the girls gone so much, but I've been so grateful that they've been able to play with friends and do crafts and have Easter egg hunts, because right now it's very difficult for me to spend much time with them (case in point: Juliet lifting her arms up to me with tears running down her cheeks when I couldn't pick her up and cuddle her before bed. Or even get out of my own bed without help so that I could cuddle her on the floor). I also didn't realize how much I look forward all day to making dinner until I had wonderful friends doing it for me every day--I'm excited to be able to get back in my kitchen and repay the favor. And I didn't realize how much I take my normal accomplishments for granted until things like making my own bed or carrying a basket of laundry were simply beyond my capacity. Or how much I depend on my daily workout session for not only a physical recharge, but a spiritual or creative one as well, since it's when I do things like read The Ensign or decorating magazines or simply make dreaming plans. It's also been a little bit of a shock to me to realize how grown-up Abigail is in many ways--she's like my little miniature nurse, constantly reminding me what I can and can't do (she totally chewed me out today for wandering back in to watch them eat lunch after I told Neil I'd go lie down) and telling me funny little stories about her day so that I know what she's been doing.

So I'm excited to be me again, although it's still going to be somewhat of a journey (the surgeon told me today that I should be 95% healed in 4-6 weeks). Slowly but surely. Grateful that it wasn't worse. Grateful for all my friends--I was pretty choked up when my visiting teacher told me she had lost track of all the people who had called her offering babysitting or meals. Grateful for this chance to take a step back and realize that the things that I thought were vital to my sanity (like teaching) are nice, but not what really make my days meaningful and worthwhile. Excited for little things like being able to lift Juliet into her carseat, bend over to pick the daffodils in my garden, and join in the afternoon "sunshine dance" with the girls.


Elise Decker said...

I miss YOU, rachael!!! i really wish that I could be there and help you out and talk to you and i MISS YOU!!

Alicia said...

Wow, Rachael...
I just caught up to what's up in your world and I just wish I could be there to help.
You guys are in our prayers and I'm glad to see you're on the mend.
Love ya!

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