Wednesday, July 07, 2010

a late-night ramble

I decided to stick with the half-marathon.

Much as I really wanted to run a full marathon, I know it's not the best thing for me/our family right now in terms of training time, potential for injury, etc. 

The day I came to this decision, I was feeling so grumpy and mad and angry because I KNEW it would be really hard on our family, but I was feeling very selfish and just wanting to do what I wanted to do.  I was so irritable that I finally just went on an 8-mile bike ride to work out the anger. I pedaled as fast and furiously as I could, thinking grumpy selfish thoughts the whole way.  Part of my anxiety stemmed from the fact that I didn't know how long all the side effects from training for and running a marathon would delay another pregnancy--and while I'm not pregnant nor planning to be in the immediate future, that much running definitely affects your body for some time. 

Finally, I said a prayer about whether or not I should commit to a full marathon, and it was like a huge heavy black cloud came and sat on my head.  I felt even more miserable.  Can we say stupor of thought?  And so I grumpily thought, "Okay, fine.  I won't." 

And the cloud went away, and I felt a lot better.  (and then on my next run, about two and half miles into eight-minutes-per-mile speed training, I thought to myself, "Are you INSANE?  You really WANT to run 26.2 miles?")

So the half-marathon it is.  I'm planning on one in mid-October, and I'm going to run a 10K in my parents' hometown in mid-September (I am really excited for this!!)  I'm going to do more speedwork and interval training this time around to improve my time (I ran my first half in April in 2 hours 6 minutes; I'd like to get it at least under 2 hours but hopefully more like 1:55, which is about 8:45/mile.)  My biggest problem is simply timing myself while I'm running; any good recommendations for this problem?  I'd like to know if I need to step it up while I'm running outside; I don't like the boredom of running on the treadmill but I REALLY like how easy it is to step up the interval training.

In other news, my mom wants me to do yoga teacher training/certification with her and I really want to do that too.  I want to start taking yoga classes again this fall.

And I also want to lose weight.  Right now I weigh a couple pounds less than when I was married, but that's a balance between my toned legs and my not-as-toned waist.  I was reading an article today about improving your speed and the #1 thing was to lose five pounds.  Which I can certainly stand to do, by oh, NOT EATING FOUR COOKIES like I just did.  Neil made cookies before he went to play basketball and left them all sitting there without eating a single one.  Which was kind of cruel, because then I felt sorry for the poor abandoned cookies, and then I got immersed in a book and read while I was eating, which is stupid because I realized on the third one that I was practically gagging, but I still ate another one because I was mindlessly reading and not paying attention to my little cookie plate. 

I have really terrible self-control around food.  Partially because I exercise regularly and I'm still nursing, so I figure I can get away with it, but I really want to grow up and be like my mom, who will either a) refuse bad things entirely or b) manage to take a single serving of something and be content with that.   I seriously admire her so much for that--it's something I'm going to resolve more firmly to develop.  (I'm also very much a social eater.) 

And this is especially important since Isaac is turning one next week and is suddenly getting very lackadasical about nursing--I think he's just about done (which frankly is kind of a relief to me, because think about all that extra time I will now have!  And I will no longer have to plan the day around our nonnegotiable every-four-hour appointments with his horribly squeaky rocker and fluffy blue blankie, without both of which he categorically refuses to nurse).

On another note, I am still trying to find a time to sit down and inventory my life.  Where am I?  Where do I want to be?  How can I bridge the gap between the kind of woman I want to be and the kind of woman I am?  (In my dream world, I'm up before everyone else and doing yoga outdoors as the sun rises; you know, that kind of thing.  Also, my imaginary self has really awesome muscular definition, always remembers to drink lots of water, and doesn't let zucchini grow to be 18 inches long before picking them.)


Jolena said...

So after reading your random late night thoughts, my first thought was, whoa girl, give yourself some credit! Of course then I thought about what kind of standard I hold myself up to and I couldn't really be that serious about my original thought. :) Be that as it may, I am seriously impressed with what you manage to do every day. Don't forget you're doing a great job while you're still working to be better. I think it's always good to improve, and yet it it's got to be balanced with being happy with yourself too. You're doing awesome!

Meghan said...

OK, you know how yesterday I told you to run to the library and get The Road Less Traveled? That's still a good book, but the one I really want us to read at the same time and discuss is Meditation for Dummies (yeah, I know). I started reading it yesterday, and I am so excited about calming down! I think it will really help me with both yoga and my "mindfulness" resolution. And maybe everything else in life, too.
And I had an unfortunate experience with a bag of kettle corn this week. Because I was not eating mindfully, and I didn't realize how easy it would be to eat 10 servings in a day!
Today's a new day. I know better, so I'll do better, right?

Crapos said...

There is nothing wrong with 18 inch zucchini. You'll just have to make lots of bread and then freeze it so you don't eat it all :) And I'm right with you on the food - no self-control whatsoever.
And you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You do way more in a day than I do. And I started running in high school and I'm not doing any right now. Can't figure out how to with a husband that leaves at 6am everyday.

Anonymous said...

Onions of the world, unite!

Love you, dud

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