Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Have a baby, they said. They smell like flowers, they said.

Old picture of Abigail, circa 2006

So the last three weeks have been really fun, in that "it's summer break, so let's come down with fevers/coughs/intestinal unpleasantness" kind of way. So basically NOT fun at all. The best 
part is that the actual sickness lasts for about four days but the crankiness? Well, so far it lasts
 for 2 weeks and three days (please oh please let it end tomorrow!)

I was thinking today that it's so bad that it's actually like a movie--like one of those comedies
 where the cute heroine, who is probably in advertising and lives in a flat that she could
 never afford in real life, visits her friend who left the ad world a few years back and 
now is a full-time SAHM, and boy, is her life soooo unglamorous compared to our 
plucky little heroine!

So this is why my life is perfect for a movie set right now:

8:05 PM: All the kids are in bed. Start menu planning (oh, dreaded task!)
8:35 PM: Luke wakes up from a nightmare screaming like a banshee and utterly inconsolable.

9:00 PM: Put Luke back to bed. Pick up menu planning stuff again.

9:05 PM: Luke is out of bed lying against the door and kicking it with both feet. Incidentally,
 this wakes up 2 other kids, who start crying.

9:23 PM: Everyone is asleep again. Pinterest is making my mouth water. TOO BAD
because I am on this health challenge with my sisters & mom & I can't eat
after 9 PM.

10:05 PM: Nathan wakes up. Really should have gone in to check on him instead
 of standing outside the door, because it turns out that he stripped himself naked
 (including his diaper), so that's going to be a fun project in the morning when you
 find it.

10:35: Nathan wakes up again but goes back to sleep. Again. Second chance, but you
 didn't take it.

10:54 PM: Nathan and Luke both wake up at the same time, but Luke is the one
 actually standing next to your bed screaming his head off, so you jump on that fire
 first and then Nathan (in his soaked bed) goes back to sleep and you STILL don't
 check on him, because heaven forbid that you open that door and awaken the
Kraken (guaranteed hour until you get him back to sleep).

11:05 PM: husband finally home from the lab and wants to talk about his day.
 You just want everyone to leave you alone so you can sleep, but hey, this is the
first chance you've had to actually interact with the person you married today.
11:35 PM: Oh look, there's Luke again...

then it sort of blurs out from there until morning again, when you wake up to
hear the washing machine running and realize that Luke also wet his bed (this
pretty much never happens) AND Nathan (that's a first) and this day is off to an
awesome start.

Husband tells you that he thinks the kids are finally well enough to leave the
house--they're just grumpy. You aren't so sure, but it's been TEN DAYS since
you have left (and you've now run 58 miles on the treadmill!) so you decide to
go to the library.

Things Luke cries about at the library:
1) The librarian has light blue paper, not dark blue paper.
2) He wants to read the penguin book but the librarian is reading the rabbit
3) Everyone is tracing their hand but he doesn't want to trace his hand 
but he knows everyone wants him to do it OH THE PRESSURE.
4) Nathan looked at him.
5) He doesn't want to go to the bathroom.
6) Nathan looked at him again.
7) Isaac looked at him.
8) Abigail picked up his book when he dropped it on the floor. 
9) He wants to go home.
10) He doesn't want to walk.
11) He doesn't want Nathan to touch him even if you are already carrying 
Nathan because he doesn't want to walk either.
12) He wants to open the door but he can't reach it from your arms.
13) He wants to get down.
14) He doesn't want to get in the car.
15) When he threw a temper tantrum on the grass next to the car, he sat in dog poop.

Then, because you are REALLY a glutton for punishment, you decide to stop
at the grocery store super fast because you are out of milk, fruit, yogurt, and
popsicles, and Nathan will only eat popsicles right now and three of the times
Luke came into your room last night, he was looking for yogurt.

We'll pass over the grocery store trip and just note that the guy at the checkout
 told you that he hoped you would have a better day than the one you're having
 right now, and you smiled at him on your way to pull Nathan's hand out of the
door which he'd just shut on his fingers (because OF COURSE the child restraint
 belt was broken on your cart, but you couldn't get another one because you
were holding two toddlers and you only had one quarter for the cart lock) and
let's just get out of here, minus the ingredients for 4 of the 7 meals you planned
this week.

Grocery store parking lot: you bag all your groceries and toss them into the
back of the van, thanking your lucky stars for your older kids, one of whom is
 helping with the groceries, and the other one who is pressing the button on the
remote every time Nathan tries to decapitate you with the rear van door. Thanks,
girls--you are the real heroines today! Oh, and Nathan needs a diaper change and
smells so bad that the kid next to him is crying, so you wrestle him down to the
van floor to change the Apocalypse of All Diapers, but of course someone took
 the extra diapers out of your purse, so...he's riding home commando.

And then you get home, start bringing in the groceries, and Luke has locked you
 out because he doesn't like the way Isaac's upside-down shoe is looking at him.
And you try to feed Nathan but he throws his blueberries on the cat, and when
you open the child's Ibuprofen to give him a dose, the bottle explodes all over your
 hands and pours down his legs and you just start to laugh and hope it's not
hysterics, and Nathan wants a nap, but all of his bedding is still in the dryer.
So yeah, have fun with all those babies.

The plus side, of course, is that you know eventually they will grow up to be
the kind of people who prevent your younger children from decapitating you with
 the van door, so there's that.

Oh...and the formatting on this post won't work. Huzzah!


Kayli said...

Wow. Not such a great day, but hey--a perfect blog post! :)

Melissa said...

oh dear. If Nate weren't out of town I'd drive over and bring you chocolate. Good job keeping everyone alive. oh I really hope tomorrow goes better for you, and all the days after that!

Rachael said...

Melissa, you are so kind! It's the thought that counts--especially since I can't eat chocolate right now anyway. :-) I hope Nate gets home soon so that you can get a break and that Claire stays put in her crib tonight!!

Jessica Patton said...

Hahha oh dear! I just found your blog through Design Mom and I love it!

Handsfullmom said...

I've had days like that, but not your talent for sharing it with humor! Hang in there.

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