Dear blogosphere,
What do you do when you feel like all the things you're trying to teach your children
just aren't getting through? Really, I want to know--I'm all out of strategies and tricks and feeling wrung out and worn out. How do you effectively teach obedience and honesty when you also want to promote self-thinking and decision-making? How do you differentiate between "do this because Mommy says,
right now!" and free agency? And how do you appropriately respond when the disobedience also comes with a side of dishonesty about the disobedience?
A little context: we no longer let the kids pick tomatoes from the garden unless they are wearing "garden clothes," since too many shirts have been ruined by tomato juice and seeds. (This is a somewhat tense topic in our house right now, since Abigail yesterday destroyed a brand-new shirt, then coolly informed me after I'd been scrubbing at the stain for 25 minutes that she "didn't care and you can just buy some new shirts" (note: the stain did not come out)). Hence, the order to not eat tomatoes, and the stipulation that playing outside was conditional upon no tomatoes, and if tomatoes were consumed, the perpetrators would have to come right back inside. All parties vocally agreed to this condition.
So of course, 30 seconds later I spotted Abigail running from the garden with full cheeks, and standing with her back to me while I yelled, "Abigail, COME HERE NOW!" While she chewed, I marched over, asked, "Did you eat any tomatoes," received a "No, I didn't eat any tomatoes," in response, and then when I asked her to open her mouth, it was of course crammed with tomatoes.
Not a big deal in the scheme of things, but honestly, I am really just at a loss with how to deal with this. I feel like we've tried so many strategies for encouraging obedience, and it just seems like nothing is getting through--if anything, it seems like she's getting more deceptive about the disobedience. Lately, I've really been trying to give the kids a lot more of my undivided attention in an effort to discourage disobedience as a ploy for negative attention, but that doesn't seem to be working either. And, of course, Juliet imitates anything she sees Abigail do, so the problem multiplies...
So please, please, please, please give me some advice. What do you do? What would you do? What did your parents do? I'm not concerned about punishing this type of behavior so much as I am about preventing it (although if you have any ideas for effective punishments, please share. So far we've discovered that spankings, time-outs, etc. have no effect on Miss Abigail; it's slightly distressing to her to have skirts taken away, but really...she just doesn't seem to care. Which makes punishing the behavior very difficult).
And don't even get me started on mealtimes.
**I should clarify that I'm not horribly depressed. Yes, it's been a rough morning, but there have been bright spots in the last couple of days--Juliet's potty-training is going well, I actually got to go to aerobics this morning (so nice to be able to do that for an hour rather than trying to wedge a run in during afternoon "naps," aka crazy time), and last night my best friend/sometime boyfriend from high school came over for a few hours to visit with us--he was here recruiting at the university for Boeing, so it was so great to catch up with him--kind of amused me to see that even after 8 years we were still able to talk for 3 hours nonstop. And it was cool to introduce him to Neil, and listen to those two engineers talk shop about lasers and design and programming. And plus Neil made his famous chocolate-chip cookies and peach and strawberry shakes, so that was pretty awesome.**
But really, I would really really really like some advice. And prayers.