Full of light

I snapped this photo last Saturday just before Neil and I went out to dinner. I love it because it captures just how I feel these days: happy. Content. Full of light and invigorated by life.

It feels a little silly to blog when I have nothing to say other than "I am so much happier than I have been in years and years and years," but that's the truth.

Tonight I was at a flower & garden show with a friend. We had such a good time just wandering around looking at things and chatting. At one point we had stopped by a booth that was making customized orthotics, and we were talking about foot issues and she asked if I was training for anything right now, and I said I'd originally been training for a marathon but had to drop down to the half because of plantar fasciitis. We talked a little more about the time commitment involved in marathon training, and as we were talking I realized something--for the first time in years I am not using running as a method of control. I mean, I ran a marathon with a stress fracture, for crying out loud! And I am so happy and so content in my life right now that running is ancillary to my happiness, and I have not been able to say that since 2007.

Literally.

For so many years I felt like so many things in my life were out of my control--that I was suspended in limbo, unable to progress forward. And in the last five months I have felt absolutely drenched in the outpouring of heaven's blessings--literally, I have felt that there is not room enough to receive all that the Lord has given us. I am so incredibly grateful for the amazing friends that surround us here and the way I have just fallen in love with our life here.

I'm going to write that again because I can't emphasize it enough--I am so, so, so grateful for the friends we are making here. I don't think it is possible to feel more welcomed and loved than I have felt.

And my children are thriving. Really and truly thriving. We had a few very rocky months but we're coming through and things are SO good for everyone.

Neil is loving his new job. He feels valued and appreciated & that his work is measurably contributing to the company's success. Such a blessing after the last twelve years of entirely opposite treatment!!! (I really can't write much about that here but most of you probably know what I want to say.)

And I love our home here so much. Every day I just look around and I'm filled with such gratitude that we live here in this beautiful home and that we are able to do projects that make me love it even more (in the last two weeks we installed new double ovens and a Jenn-Air gas commercial-style gas cooktop and ALL THE HEART EYES).

I love our ward here. I love that my children are excited to go to church and that they are learning so much from so many good people. I love love love my calling and the chance to serve with the amazing women in the presidency and our absolutely fantastic group of Primary workers.

I love the library with its heirloom seed library and its child-sized door for storytime and its endless rows of books that make it double the size of any library I've been in before. I love the arts & design district which is always the high point of my runs and I love the trails along the river and the greenway that is full of friendly runners and the roundabouts that drove me nuts at first but now I can't live without them. I love the Christmas lights that are still up on the fountains and pine trees in the center of the roundabouts. I love that my kids can bike to school or to the playground and that there are always kids out playing tennis in the street or biking or starting up a game of baseball. I love the funny weekly paper that always gives me info about what exciting things are going on. I love the parks with their inventive play structures and free maple sugar bush tours (hello that was the best morning ever!!!). I love the schools that give my kids the opportunity to study violin and foreign languages and STEM and ceramics. I love seeing Isaac's excitement when I pick him up from programming club and Abigail's joy after rocketry club. I love that the soccer fields and baseball fields are both within biking distance from our house. I love the ponds and creeks everywhere--it seems like I can always hear the sound of water. I love the proximity to Costco and Trader Joe's and IKEA and Whole Foods and Hobby Lobby--this is the first time in more than a decade that I can be at a Target in five minutes instead of twenty-five! I love our fantastic piano teacher and all our friendly welcoming dog-walking neighbors that my kids always refer to by name & pet as they walk by: "That's Melvin with the sausage dog." "There's Elaine with the frisky black dog." I love the friends who show up at my door with soup when I have the flu and the friends who drive carpool with me and the friends who worry about class changes for next year with me and the friends who lovingly describe pie recipes while we run at 6 am and the friends who stay at my house until 11 pm and tell me we feel like family and the friends who tell my kids they can't just eat tortilla chips for dinner and the friends who drop by to chat & clean my kitchen while they're at it and the friends who invite me for movie nights and the friends who have us over for dinner because they have lots of kids too and don't mind the crazy and the friends who trade playdates with me and text me for spontaneous double date nights and the friends who just text me to see how the day is going and if I want to meet up at a park.

I love it here.

There were so many dark years in West Lafayette where I honestly did not know if I would survive. If our marriage would survive. If my faith would survive. I clung so desperately to the promises I had felt and the peace I had felt when we originally prayed about our choice to attend Purdue for graduate school. I reminded myself over and over of the words of our stake president in blessings that he gave Neil & me during our last years there--that this was where the Lord wanted us; that he was mindful of our family, and that this was all for a wise purpose in him.

And I am so overwhelmed with joy and gratitude to see that purpose now. To know that had Neil not been forced to switch research topics after six years that this job would not have been possible. That had he not been delayed over and over by equipment failures, by funding losses, by research obstacles, that this field would not have been an area of extreme priority for his current employer. That had his funding continued as we had originally planned he would never have been assigned to the research opportunity that introduced him to his employer; that had his funding not completely run out and he literally worked for almost a year for no salary...this job would never have worked out in the way it did. That we would never have experienced the richness of happiness that we are enjoying now.

And I am so grateful for the fact that during all those years I was able to work. When Neil and I were married, my plan was to go to law school, and as I was proceeding with my application and preparation for the LSAT, it was very very very clear to me that law was not the Lord's plan for me, and that I was supposed to pursue a master's in English instead. I was absolutely ENRAGED by this (I vividly remember throwing everything within reach when I got up from that prayer), but my master's program gave me the training and education that has provided for our family so that we never had to take out student loans. We definitely lived on a student budget (and man did I love ordering furniture for our new home over the last few months!) but we always had enough for our needs and some of our wants. Such tremendous blessings and I can so clearly see the hand of the Lord guiding us here over the last fifteen years.

I just really hope that we get to stay put for awhile. ;-)

Last but not least, I have thought of this talk so, so, so, so, so many times over the last years. Neil and I used to listen to it a lot the first few years that we were married--we would go for a drive up in the mountains and turn this on. So frequently I would be praying and just pleading with the Lord to help me make it through another day and I would hear "I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to be."

So I hope this helps someone else the way it has helped me.

"Could I tell you just a quick story out of my own experience in life? Sixty-odd years ago I was on a farm in Canada. I had purchased the farm from another who had been somewhat careless in keeping it up. I went out one morning and found a currant bush that was at least six feet high. I knew that it was going all to wood. There was no sign of blossom or of fruit. I had had some experience in pruning trees before we left Salt Lake to go to Canada, as my father had a fruit farm. So I got my pruning shears and went to work on that currant bush, and I clipped it and cut it and cut it down until there was nothing left but a little clump of stumps.

And as I looked at them, I yielded to an impulse, which I often have, to talk with inanimate things and have them talk to me. It’s a ridiculous habit. It’s one I can’t overcome. As I looked at this little clump of stumps, there seemed to be a tear on each one, and I said, “What’s the matter, currant bush? What are you crying about?”

And I thought I heard that currant bush speak. It seemed to say, “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as large as the fruit tree and the shade tree, and now you have cut me down. And all in the garden will look upon me with contempt and pity. How could you do it? I thought you were the gardener here.”

I thought I heard that from the currant bush. I thought it so much that I answered it.

I said, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. If I let you go the way you want to go, you will never amount to anything. But someday, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to think back and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”

Ten years passed, and I found myself in Europe. I had made some progress in the First World War in the Canadian army. In fact, I was a field officer, and there was only one man between me and the rank of general, which I had cherished in my heart for years. Then he became a casualty. And the day after, I received a telegram from London from General Turner, who was in charge of all Canadian officers. The telegram said, “Be in my office tomorrow morning at ten o’clock.”

I puffed up. I called my special servant. (We called them “batmen” over there.) I said, “Polish my boots and my buttons. Make me look like a general, because I am going up tomorrow to be appointed.”

He did the best he could with what he had to work on, and I went to London. I walked into the office of the general. I saluted him smartly, and he replied to my salute as higher officers usually do to juniors—sort of a “Get out of the way, worm.” Then he said, “Sit down, Brown.”

I was deflated. I sat down. And he said, “Brown, you are entitled to this promotion, but I cannot make it. You have qualified and passed the regulations, you have had the experience, and you are entitled to it in every way, but I cannot make this appointment.”

Just then he went into the other room to answer a phone call, and I did what most every officer and man in the army would do under those circumstances: I looked over on his desk to see what my personal history sheet showed. And I saw written on the bottom of that history sheet in large capital letters: “THIS MAN IS A MORMON.”

Now at that time we were hated heartily in Britain, and I knew why he couldn’t make the appointment. Finally he came back and said, “That’s all, Brown.”

I saluted him, less heartily than before, and went out. On my way back to Shorncliffe, 120 kilometers away, I thought every turn of the wheels that clacked across the rails was saying, “You’re a failure. You must go home and be called a coward by those who do not understand.”

And bitterness rose in my heart until I arrived, finally, in my tent, and I rather vigorously threw my cap on the cot, together with my Sam Browne belt. I clenched my fist, and I shook it at heaven, and I said, “How could you do this to me, God? I’ve done everything that I knew how to do to uphold the standards of the Church. I was making such wonderful growth, and now you’ve cut me down. How could you do it?”

And then I heard a voice. It sounded like my own voice, and the voice said, “I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to be. If I let you go the way you want to go, you will never amount to anything. And someday, when you are ripened in life, you are going to shout back across the time and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”

Those words—which I recognize now as my words to the currant bush and that had become God’s word to me—drove me to my knees, where I prayed for forgiveness for my arrogance and my ambition.

As I was praying there, I heard some Mormon boys in an adjoining tent singing the closing number to an M.I.A. session, which I usually attended with them. And I recognized these words, which all of you have memorized:

It may not be on the mountain height
Or over the stormy sea;
It may not be at the battle’s front
My Lord will have need of me;
But if, by a still, small voice he calls
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
I’ll go where you want me to go.
. . .
So trusting my all to thy tender care,
And knowing thou lovest me,
I’ll do thy will with a heart sincere;
I’ll be what you want me to be.
[“It May Not Be on the Mountain Height,” Hymns,1948, no. 75]

My young friends and brothers and sisters, will you remember that little experience that changed my whole life? Had the Gardener not taken control and done for me what was best for me, or if I had gone the way I wanted to go, I would have returned to Canada as a senior commanding officer of western Canada. I would have raised my family in a barracks. My six daughters would have had little chance to marry in the Church. I myself would probably have gone down and down. I do not know what might have happened, but this I know, and this I say to you and to Him in your presence, looking back over sixty years: “Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down.”

--Hugh B Brown, "God Is the Gardener"

Settling in

A year ago when my mom and I were working on Thanksgiving dinner, I said, "Maybe next year we'll be in a nice big house in Carmel and we'll have a giant kitchen and a guest room." And she said, "That would be lovely!"



And here we are, a year later, getting ready to host Thanksgiving in our new home. I can't remember the last time when I was this happy--I feel really guilty because the move has been very hard for several of our children, and Neil is working like crazy, but I am so, so, so, so happy.




I love our house--every time I come home it just makes me grin like crazy. I love the huge windows in the family room and the miles and miles of counters in the kitchen (Abigail says that it takes waaay too long to clean the kitchen now!). I love the kids pulling up barstools to do their homework and tell me about their day while I'm making dinner. I love the cozy fireplace in the living room and the light-filled sunroom and the space in the laundry room to unload groceries and wash 8 loads of laundry and dump Nathan's frozen coat in the laundry sink to defrost (he left it outside in the rain). I love the beautiful windows in my bedroom that look out over the gorgeous gold and red trees on the front lawn. I love the funny mirrored linen closet that is the BEST thing in Matthew's world (he loves to hide in there and then close the doors on himself and wait until you call for him before he slides the door open and giggles). I love the glass details in the front door and the way my red berry wreath looks against the wood. I love the stone that covers half of the house and the blue wood siding and the white trim that gives it a very New England feel. I love the cozy warm wood-paneled basement even though it flooded when Neil was in Germany (yikes!!!) and it's currently full of industrial fans and dehumidifiers. I love our huge backyard even though something ate one of our chickens when Neil was gone and I had to clean up the resulting carnage by myself--I was just able to take it in stride which is kind of crazy considering how much I love those chickens (I did cry, but it wasn't a total breakdown!).



I love the gorgeous Arts & Design district downtown--this morning at 6 am I was running through it with a friend and it was all lit up with Christmas lights and it was silent and dark and just the most beautiful thing. I love the bike paths that extend for miles and miles and where I've already logged so many happy hours.



And I love, love, love the people here. Everyone has been so kind and welcoming and just amazing. So many awesome and interesting and friendly people that I can't wait to get to know better, and I'm so grateful for how welcoming they have already been, and the friendships that we are already nurturing. I was called this past week to serve in the Primary presidency and I am absolutely thrilled to be working with 3 other amazing women in this awesome ward that has just reached out and embraced us.




So...long story short, I am crazy giddy happy these days. So in love with my life even though there are still lots of hard things and stressful things, but goodness I feel blessed and lucky and I'm just trying to tame my exuberance down for those members of my family who aren't quite feeling the same. It really has been a rocky transition for several of us and I'm trying to build new family traditions that will help ease the sadness. It's been hard too on the kids to have Neil gone so much, but I think we are settling in to some new routines, and I'm really excited that we will have a few days with him over the holiday weekend before he leaves again!

And now it's time to knock out some more painting before everyone gets home. :-) Soooooo much painting! So many renovations I want to do and so dreamy planning them out (and I have seriously been in HEAVEN decorating this house and ordering furniture. All the pent-up design dreams and home planning I've done over the last fifteen years are coming to fruition with a bang! I have a chesterfield sofa on my porch as I type this.) ;-)

Marathon!

You guys! I did it! I am officially a marathoner!

Neil and I drove down for the race on Friday night, since there was only packet pickup the night before (!!). My parents were SO kind and offered to watch our kids so that he could be there with me, and I was so grateful! It was so so good to have Neil there with me supporting me and running interference on things.  Anyway, I was getting so nervous the night before the race—I had an awful stomachache, headache, and felt like I was going to throw up all night. I didn’t sleep very well (which is a shame because we had a beautiful and HUGE suite) and woke up an hour before I needed to in the morning.

Neil drove me to the starting line and I found the 4:10 pace group and lined up with them. I wanted to run it in less than 10-minute miles so I didn’t want to go with the 4:25 pace group. Frankly I was hoping to be way faster when I originally started training (my half-marathon time would have predicted a 3:50 finish) but I have been sick through so much of training that I have really struggled to go quickly—if I go under 8:45/mile I start coughing like mad and can’t stop—thanks to the double-header combination of bronchitis and strep midway through training. And, quite frankly, I haven’t been as careful about what I’m eating as I should be and so I’m not at an ideal racing weight.

Anyway, I LOVED running with the pace group! The two pacers were so incredibly friendly and really worked to create a sense of community within the five or so of us that were running with them. We had other people sort of ebbing and flowing and it was nice to talk to them as well, but there was a sort of core group that stuck together for most of the race. I spent about fifteen miles talking with another woman (we had the same first and last name!) and we got to be good buddies over the course of several hours! One thing I really liked so that our pacers insisted that we walk through all of the water stops to make sure we got enough water (it was pretty hot by the end of the day and I started taking one cup of water to drink and another to pour over my head) and then they would check to make sure everyone was there before we started running again. After about fifteen or sixteen miles I was so looking forward to those walking breaks! It really helped me mentally to know that I could walk for those ten or so steps as long as I just made it to the water stop, and I was able to avoid walking anywhere else on the course, which made me feel pretty good. It’s always nice for my internal motivation to be running past people who are walking up the hills or whatnot. 

Mile 22--I was super focused on never letting this girl catch up!

Another thing I loved about the pace group was the ability to maintain a steady speed without having to worry about it myself. When we first started off it (of course) felt way too slow and it was really good for me to have someone telling me to hold back (and then of course we passed all of the people who sprinted out). I loved not having to constantly check to see how fast I was going and worry about whether I should speed up or slow down—I just kept pace with my new friends! And it was so good to have people to talk to—we were literally about eight or nine miles into the race before I started paying attention to how far we’d gone.  

I felt really good for the first fifteen miles or so. After that it started to get incredibly windy and we were pushing against the wind the whole time. I dropped back a bit and focused on catching up to the pacing group at waterstops—that took me through miles 18-20. Unfortunately, those miles were easily the windiest of the whole course—we were running along a straight road with no trees lined with giant buildings and so the wind just funneled right down it pushing us backwards. It was sooooo exhausting! I finally decided that I would just run at my own speed and not worry about staying with the pacing group. I dropped down from 9:30 miles to about 11-minute miles, but by that point I was just thrilled to still be running past all of the people walking with their heads bent against the wind. I was worried about hitting the notorious wall but I never did—I was so thankful! I definitely slowed down but I just kept on going and let my legs go at the pace where they were comfortable rather than trying to push it too hard.

The last six miles were kind of unpleasantly hilly. By this point it was quite hot and still really windy! Neil caught up to me about mile 22 and biked alongside me off and on for the next three miles. It was so good to have him with me talking to me and giving me something else to focus on. And it was also nice because he had cold water instead of the awful lukewarm stuff at the last aid station.  He peeled off at mile 25 so that he could meet me at the finish line and that’s when I realized it was a 3/4-mile looong uphill all the way to the finish—and the wind was back! I seriously felt like I was taking two steps backward for every step forward.  I just kept going and plugging away—I passed a LOT of people on that last uphill—and I was so grateful for all of the people cheering there because I focused on saying, “Thank you! Thanks for being here!” instead of mentally griping about the awful wind and hill. And then it was downhill to the finish line for the last two-tenths of a mile! It was so exciting and I felt great as I finished—I think I raised my arms and cheered as I was running downhill.  The two pacers from my pacing group were waiting at the finish line and they hugged me and congratulated me and pointed out where Neil was waiting on the sidelines. 

It was a great experience. I definitely was more worn out by the end than I was hoping to be and slowed down more than I was planning to, but I felt like it was a good decision with the heat, wind, and hills. I was most worried about hitting the notorious wall and I never did—I just kept plugging away with my same slow and steady pace. I was passing people all through the last six miles of the race and that felt great. And I was so, so, so grateful that Neil was there—he biked around and met up with me every so often and handed me a couple of Kashi bars, took my jacket, and had water when I needed it most. It was so great to have his support.

I think the hardest part of the race for me was miles 17-19. I still had a long way to go and pushing against that wind was miserable! By the time I made it to 20 I knew I was getting close, and once I hit 22 I felt great—I knew I had it in the bag with only 4.2 miles left and I’d gone past the dreaded 20-mile mark without hitting the wall. I made sure to walk around a lot after the race and even stopped in the massage tent, and so far I feel pretty good! Definitely stiff but not in horrible pain (although I did take a healthy dose of ibuprofen before I fell asleep last night).

All in all, it was amazing. It was so good to be able to finish something that I have been working on for SO long and was such a huge deal! I am so grateful for all of the people who made it possible—I still kind of can’t believe that I ran a marathon!! My final time was 4:17:55, so I came in under my goal time and still have lots of room for improvement if I decide to do another one some day.:-)

pretty much perfect

Today is shaping up to be an awesome day, and this is why:

• We are celebrating Groundhog Day à la française as Chandeleur, which means masses of crêpes for dinner.  AWESOME.
• Jules and Isaac both had a friend over today, and it was the most perfect playdate--the kids got on so well and had so much fun, and I had a lot of fun with them.  I've felt a little guilty for not doing more playdates for Juliet; I've been thinking that she didn't really need them with siblings and preschool, but she was so overjoyed to have a friend her age with the same interests.  That poor girl practically got hugged and best-friended to death (fortunately she was so sweet about it!)
• My knee is continuing to improve--I saw the physical therapist again yesterday and things are looking good (they better be because I'm spending 45 minutes every day on those dang exercises!  My last four runs have been pain-free and this is so, so, so amazing to me.
• My new treadmill arrived today!!  So excited.  I did end up ordering another one from Smooth Fitness, despite the previous debacle--they gave me an amazing deal on one of their high-end treadmills (with a 7-year warranty so this one should last a lot longer even if I do my best to run it into the ground again...).  I was so not thrilled during that mess and it was really stressful, but my experience is that expressing your frustration via social media = much better customer service.  Kind of sad, but true.
• The weather is still beautiful.  Usually February here means you literally cannot be outside with unprotected skin, but it's breezy and sunny and warm right now.  Beautiful (a little disturbing, but still beautiful).
• Abigail had a 2-hour delay this morning due to fog.  We read lots of stories and were very leisurely all morning.  She cleaned out and reorganized her drawers (one of her favorite things to do.  Yes, she is so her mother's child).  
• Isaac is a potty-training rock star!  We've gone through probably 150 bags of fruit snacks in the last month, but it's worth it (he has amazing sphincter control is all I'm saying.  I know nobody else that can clear their colon on demand--for a bag of fruit snacks as reward--the way he can).  
• I am completely caught up on grading.  Awesome feeling.  I hate grading.
• My house stayed surprisingly clean this morning because the children were performing an extended ballet of The Nutcracker.
• It's naptime and I have nothing that I really have to do other than snuggle with Jooj and read stories.  Best feeling ever.
• I spent an hour yesterday picking out some new books for the kiddos for Valentine's Day.  I can't wait to see their faces.  Plus the girls and I have this whole line-up of crafts we're planning to make (we're thinking of doing these for their classes).  Yay! 
• My federal and state tax return have both been accepted.  Double yay!
• Not today, but last night Abigail and Juliet both ate every scrap of their dinner without a word of complaint, thanked me politely for making "such a delicious dinner," and cleared their dishes without being asked (it was nothing special:  black bean chili, cornbread, and baby carrots).  I was flabbergasted but it was a lovely way to start the evening (we lit a fire and read a bit from Howard Pyle's The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood before tucking the kids in).  
• Yesterday someone asked me how many children I had and then when I said four asked me if I had a housekeeper.  I laughed and said no and she was completely amazed.  Today the treadmill delivery guy asked me if I was babysitting.  I said, no, they are all mine and one is at school.  He raised his eyebrows and told me good luck.  I laughed at both of these, but really, I am so grateful for my children (even if I may never get another good night's sleep...ever...ever...again).  They are the delight of my life.  (And some day when we have our last baby, I am going to get this necklace, because that is exactly how I feel--my hands are almost as full as my heart).  

loverly

with Abigail six years ago

We had a little jewel of a day today.  Seriously, everything was so lovely.  Juliet had her first day of preschool and she adored it; Isaac and I spent some time together (just the two of us!  this never happens and he loved it) reading stories right after she left and then we had a playdate with his little friends.  Then Jules and Isaac played outside in the bee-yoo-tiful weather...seriously, it's SO gorgeous right now and I enjoyed a very quiet house and cleaned like mad while they were digging around in the sandbox.  Jules and I had quality time together while the boys were napping, I got all my grading done, and then when Abigail got home the five of us went off to the farmer's market.

I gave each of the girls a dollar when we got there and told them they could spend it however they liked.  It was fun to watch them go from stall to stall, soberly inspecting the items for sale.  After we walked through the entire market they ended up pooling their money to buy a bag of kettle corn and two glasses of raspberry lemonade (both of which they shared readily with Isaac and I).  We sat on some chairs and looked through library books (our library has an honor-system checkout at the farmer's market) and enjoyed the sunshine.  Then we went to the playground for an hour and I just reveled in my delightful little children.  I was pushing the boys on the swings and listening to Luke's delighted chuckle and Isaac's chortling "Hiyuh!  Hiyuh, Mama!" ("push me higher, Mama") and thinking what fun little people they are.  And everyone left the playground happily, which is wonderful in itself, and then we had such a nice dinner just talking together about the day, and then we went on a walk after dinner. 

It was still a crazy day of laundry and meals and diapers and trying to fit in lots and lots of things, but it was a day where I enjoyed it all and just really relished it, you know?  I love those kinds of days--the ones that make me think,"This.  This is why I am a mother.  This is why I am home with my children, because I am watching them turn into these delightful, fascinating, wonderful little people."  So many good moments from today, not the least of which was Isaac asking me before his nap for one more hug--he threw his little arms around my neck, laid his head down on my shoulder, and just squeezed me so tight for a good 30 seconds, then kissed me very carefully and said, "Night night."  Just perfect.

adventure day: little zoo!

So how was the zoo, you ask?

Completely awesome.  So much fun.  It's just this teeny tiny little local place two minutes away from the pediatrician, but teeny tiny is perfect for this kind of outing.  And really, for a little free zoo in our not-a-big-city town, it's pretty decent.

Here's what we saw today:  porcupine, monkeys, wallabys, emus, bald eagles, chickens (a whole bunch of different kinds!), pigs, miniatures ponies, rabbits, pygmy goats, river otters, Galapagos tortoises, prairie dogs, peacocks.  So fun.  We had a blast.  We ate our picnic while we watched the monkeys, played on the nearby playground afterwards, and even got to see the wallaby joey poking its head out of its mother's pouch--which I thought was really cool (although somewhat odd-looking). 

One thing I love about this zoo is how close you can get to the animals--you can go in little tunnels to see the prairie dogs at work, and we were literally six inches from the wallabys.  It's a nice change from the more impressive zoos where you're twenty or thirty feet away from a tiger (not that I don't want to be that far from a tiger), but it's fun to get closer.  I would say our first adventure day was a resounding success!  (I certainly had a blast!)

Oh.  And if you've ever felt miserably pregnant, you will probably feel just as bad for this goat as I did.  Poor thing.  She's not due until June 2nd.

savoring the moment

Yesterday I paused for a moment as I was setting the table for dinner.  I looked around at my world.

Isaac sat on the floor in a square of sunlight, babbling to himself and looking through a pile of books. 

Abigail crouched on the grass outside, her face intent under the brim of her sunhat, hands busily digging a hole with the help of a trowel.  She's been digging "bunny traps" lately all over our yard, holes that she roofs with grass so any rabbits with an eye to our lettuces will fall in (she came up with this on her own).  The rope she made in Nauvoo lay next to her to aid in escorting any errant rabbits from the yard.

Juliet twirled gently in a swing next to Abigail, singing softly to herself.  As I do every day, I thought how grateful I was for Neil's efforts in fencing the yard and building the swingset.

My kitchen was full of the yeasty smell of rising dough.  Rosemary and carrots sizzled together on the stove, garlic roasted in the oven.  A tomato-scented breeze blew past the plants on the patio and in through the screen on the sliding glass doors. John Denver sang "Rocky Mountain High" from the stereo in the living room. 



It was a perfect moment. I stood there for a moment holding a sheaf of napkins in my hands, savoring the fact that this is my life.

Then Juliet fell off the swing, landed in Abigail's rabbit trap, and things were back to normal.  :-)

good things

before breakfast dancing at the window

• running errands this morning with the kids (dentist and grocery store among them) was actually pleasant. Surprising! And so nice to have fun together instead of gritting my teeth and wishing the lines would go faster.
  
• Neil is tilling up the garden tonight (we planted things in the box almost two weeks ago, so peas and lettuce and onions and spinach and radishes and things like that are sprouting, not to mention the broccoli, eggplant, brussels sprouts, peppers, tomatoes, and flowers that are under lights in one of our bathtubs).
  
• Someone gave me all their boy clothes from 0-4T this morning. The boxes filled my entire car. Seriously. So. Generous.
• I found this poster today. Fell in love the moment I saw it (although sadly it was sold out when I clicked over!)
  
• chocolate soy milk--out of vanilla at the grocery store. the chocolate kind is really good!!
• Strawberries and asparagus were on super sale! Abigail is in heaven.
• I went running this morning before breakfast. So indescribably wonderful to have that out of the way before the day has really begun (I really, really, really need to do that every day--I am officially announcing my goal to get up earlier than the kids, because I've been half-hearted about it lately).
• My sister and her husband are vacationing in Taiwan right now; their posts are fascinating!
• I can't decide what I'm making for dinner tonight because I'm looking forward to everything we're having this week. I LOVE spring and spring-y food!! (tonight I'm leaning towards tropical bean wraps with spinach/avocado/strawberry salad and sugar snap peas on the side).
  

What are you enjoying today?

best morning ever

How we spent Friday morning: in an enormous room filled with inflatable toys with the girls' best friends.

Isaac slept in his stroller the entire time, and I ran around and played with the girls (I was watching at first until Juliet got lost inside one of the inflatables and started yelling frantically for me; she then insisted that I accompany her everywhere). Best part: hardly anyone else was there and the place was super squeaky clean.

I seriously cannot remember the last time I had so much fun. It was amazing and wonderful and reminded me why I love being a mother. It was just what I needed after a week where I had several of those "I'm a failure, cue the crying" nights after the kids were in bed.

Seriously. So. Awesome.

saturday morning running

image

This morning we went for a 9-mile run. It was absolutely idyllic. Our children were at their friends' house (we had their kids over for breakfast while they went running), and it was just Neil and I out in the brisk spring air. We ran all our favorite trails past the lakes and ponds and woods. Daffodils were blooming, the geese were honking, and I was with my favorite guy ever. It was so perfect--we talked the whole way, except the last mile or so when we were really picking up the pace (note: Neil paid me my second-favorite compliment ever--at one point around mile 8 I said, "Is this pace okay? Am I slowing you down?" and he said, "Nope--the opposite, in fact." Which was awesome for my self-esteem, since he's ten inches taller than me!) We both felt great afterward, probably due to our awesome carb-loading beforehand, which may or may not have included steel-cut oats, blueberries, and ground flax with a chaser of Ghiradelli double-fudge brownies.

We ended up running the 9 miles at about 9:30 a mile, including a couple of stretching stops (it was pretty cold and our muscles were tightening!) and another stop for energy gels and water. I was really happy with our time; we won't win any races, but I feel like we've made great improvements. It was a year ago on Saturday that I had abdominal surgery while I was 24 weeks pregnant; I am so grateful for the health I've enjoyed over the past year, and that my sweet little Isaac is safe and well and growing so happily.

On the docket for the rest of the day: first round of planting in the garden!

recharged

Today I am rejoicing in life. Everyone is healthy and happy, my girls spent two hours at their best friends' house this morning (they missed them so much the last two weeks!), my muscles have just the slightest stretched-out feeling from this morning's 5-mile run, and my house smells like clean laundry and baking bread. I'm riding high on the bliss of spending four whole days with my husband this weekend and the chance to go to the temple. The broccoli sprouts are up in my bathtub (yes, my bathtub), and the crocus are blooming by the patio.

And I am planning to spend the next two hours reading stories with the girls and planting our pepper and eggplant seeds--we are (literally) doubling the square footage of our garden this year! (we mapped it all out last night--crazy puzzle-piecing the whole thing together. If everything grows as we're hoping it will, our lives are pretty much going to be garden garden garden all summer long. Welcome to weeding, little children!)

nearly wordless wednesday: welcome, spring!

here's what we did for two hours yesterday afternoon...

Old Nauvoo

We're headed to Nauvoo (and Carthage) this weekend, per Abigail's birthday request. I'm so excited--we haven't been there since Abigail was about 2 months old, and before that I haven't been there since I was in high school (although I went probably half a dozen times as a kid, since I grew up in Ohio). Neil and I are each planning to attend an endowment session at the temple while we're there, which will be the first time I've been inside (it was under construction the last time we were there for longer than a few hours!) The kids have been talking about this for (I kid you not) months, and excitement has practically reached a fever pitch around here--we watched Legacy on Sunday night and they were all jittery with excitement. We've been listening to the Doctrine and Covenants scripture stories on constant (unending!) repeat for about two weeks now. Something I am super excited about: we're staying in a 150-year-old log cabin. For reals. (although yes, it is updated on the inside!) What's your favorite spot in Nauvoo? Mine was always the blacksmith shop--when I was younger and we'd go all the time, we were often the only ones there, so someone in our family usually went home with the miniature horseshoe (which they generally give away to the person with the closest birthday). image 1, image 2

determined

Things aren't much better around here, but I decided I need to just pick up and go with it. With that in mind, I did put on makeup today and I did not put on yoga pants. Baby steps, my friends. I was reading an old Conference issue of the Ensign this morning, and I realized that I need to be praying a lot more, and giving thanks rather than just asking for blessings.

And in an effort to cultivate a more positive frame of mind:

• While waiting for Isaac's prescriptions to be filled, I went to the greenhouse and bought all our seeds. This is really and truly a lovely thing.
  
• Although Neil has to go back to work three out of four nights this week (only two nights most weeks), he takes the time to come home for dinner every night. Somehow this makes doing the bedtime routine by myself a lot easier.
• Even though I won't break any records at this pace, I'm running 5 miles in 45 minutes. When I think that ten months ago I was on bedrest after abdominal surgery and three months after that I had a baby, I give myself a little pat on the back.
  
• I won a contest this morning. That is very, very, very awesome. And the email informing me was a much-welcomed bright spot in an inbox full of not-so-lovelies. Amazing and wonderful.
  
• Yesterday I went to sacrament meeting by myself while all the sickies stayed home (oh, did I mention Neil has a fever? He does). It was lovely. So refreshing. So energizing. So inspiring. I just sat there all by myself on the front row, hands folded in my lap, and listened as hard as I could. And we sang my favorite hymn, "If You Could Hie to Kolob."
  
• Roasted portabello mushrooms are one of the best things I have ever tasted in my entire life. I just thought I would say that.
• Speaking of food, I am going to go eat leftover saag, channa masala, hummus, and naan for lunch.
  
• Also speaking of food, Neil and I made grilled eggplant, mushroom, red onion, and pesto pizza Saturday night after we finally got everyone in bed. We didn't eat dinner until about 9:30 but it was so nice to have a little date with my husband after a day of awfulness.
  
• Last night Neil and I started planning a trip to Nauvoo, per Abigail's birthday request. I am so excited!
  
• Isaac is making the most adorable little chortles through his stuffy little airways. Right now he is singing on my lap with one chubby fist planted in his mouth. He is starting to wiggle around a lot and actually go places. Darling little boy (as long as you don't mind the fact that "Isaac mucused all over himself," as Abigail told me this morning).
  
• Speaking of Abigail, the past two mornings we've found her in Isaac's crib singing songs to him and giving him toys. Which means Neil and I have gotten another half-hour of sleep, which is awesome.

I think that's enough for now...I just needed to remind myself of how blessed I truly am. Off to the nebulizer with my little Isaac!

runner's high

why yes, I did take a picture of my bathtub.

This morning when Isaac starting yodeling at 6:30, I was exhausted. Listening to his wheezing breathing and sad little cough all night hadn't made for very restful sleep.

Please, baby, just give me another half hour, I thought.

But I fed him (then I went back to sleep while Neil did his breathing treatment).

And I got him dressed. And gave him his cereal and bananas and more medicine. Made breakfast for the girls. Ate a banana myself; too tired to eat anything else. Wiped everyone's nose for the bajillionth time. Put Isaac down for a nap.

Then I staggered over to the treadmill and ran my 5 miles.

Now I feel like a million bucks. My mind is whizzing and I have a million projects I want to do this weekend. Finish building the bed. Repaint my bedroom. Paint the laundry room. Sew some cool funky fabric animal hangings for the girls' room. Paint their headboard and dresser. Bake cranberry bread. Break out the Play-Doh and paints. Venture to the mall with all three kids and pick up a new pair of running shorts. Finish clearing out my closets and take a huge donation sack to the thrift store. Take the kids to the library. Go to the greenhouse and buy everything I need to start my seeds. Go out to the garden and hack at the frozen dirt so I can start planting in two weeks. Pick up my just-arrived bulk order at the health food store. Help the girls build a covered wagon in the living room for their ongoing Little House in the Big Woods game. Plan an all-out circumnavigate-the-globe vacation.

Too bad endorphins can't last forever, right? I think mine had better carry me along to the shower.

a public service posting

-->

Over the last few days, the kids have been eagerly watching the mail. It must seem like magic to them; due to the fact that I bought books from different sellers all over the Internet, we’ve been averaging a package or two every day. They are super excited every day to find out what new book will arrive; it’s going to be a letdown when we’re all through! Yesterday Paul Heins and Trina Schart Hyman’s Snow White arrived (which has the most gorgeous illustrations, plus it follows the Brothers Grimm storyline rather than the saccharine Disney version); we dropped what we were doing and sat down right there in front of the door to read it. Abigail promptly declared that the Disney Snow White was “yuck Snow White, let’s throw it away” and slept with the new version under her pillow. Can’t say that I blame her. And must confess I was right on board.

Anyway, I was thinking today about the hours I spent recently reading over lists called things like “The Best Children’s Books of All Time” or “Don’t-Miss Picture Books” and how some of them were great and some of them were basically a Berenstain Bears catalogue.

So with that in mind, I present to you my favorites out of the nearly 400 children’s books we own. These are the ones that I look forward to reading. J There are lots of others that I enjoy or like or think are fun, but these are ones that I’d recommend adding to your collection.

• The 20^th Century Children’s Book Treasury, selected by Janet Schulman: one of the very best books we own.This is jam-packed with classics and always comes with us to the doctor’s office or anywhere that we may be waiting.This book is SO good that nurses at aforesaid doctor’s offices have written down the title and editor so they can purchase one of their own (really, I’m not kidding). A sampling: Madeline, Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, GOodnight Moon, The Snowy Day, Make Way for Ducklings, Guess How Much I Love You, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad DAy, Curious George, Where the Wild Things ARe, Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel, Bedtime for Frances, The Story of Babar, Stellaluna, Harry the Dirty Dog, Owen, The Sneetches. In paperback, it's just under an inch thick and about 8.5 x 11 inches with 300 pages of stories.
• Beatrix Potter: get yourself a good big treasury.
• Jan Brett: we own six of her stories. I love the pictures; the text can be a little much sometimes for short attention spans. Our favorites are The Gingerbread Baby and The Mitten.
• Margaret Wise Brown: The Runaway Bunny and The Big Red Barn
• Eve Bunting: A Turkey for Thanksgiving, The Valentine Bears, and Night Tree
• Virginia Lee Burton: better known for Mike Mulligan, but my favorite has always been The Little House. Now that Nathan has joined our family, Katy and the Big Snow is a huge favorite. 
• Eric Carle: The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Brown Bear, Brown Bear
• Joanna Cole: My kids LOVE the Magic Schoolbus books. I think the new ones are kind of weird, but you can’t go wrong with Lost in the Solar System, Inside the Human Body, Inside the Earth, etc.
• Barbara Cooney: Miss Rumphius, Roxaboxen, and Ox-Cart Man. My favorite author.
• Tomie dePaola has written a gazillion books; our faves are The Legend of the Indian Paintbrush and The Quilt Story.
• Judy Dunn: a whole series about baby animals and the little kids who take care of them. I especially like that it’s photographs and jam-packed full of interesting info along with the story. Our favorites are The Little Duck and The Little Pig.
• P.D. Eastman: Go Dog! Go! and Are You My Mother?
• Ian Falconer: Olivia (the original)
• Joan Heilbroner: Robert the Rose Horse
• Trina Schart Hyman (as illustrator or author): Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Merlin and the Making of the King, St. George and the Dragon, the Kitchen Knight, plus a whole lot more
• Kevin Henkes: Owen, Lily’s Purple Plastic Purse and Chrysanthemum
• Russell and Lillian Hoban: My other favorite author(s). We own every single Frances book and I must also recommend Charlie the Tramp and The Little Brute Family. If you’re going to pick an author(s) to buy all their works, the Hobans should be it. 
• Hilary Knight: The Twelve Days of Christmas
• Mary DeBall Kwitz: Little Chick’s Breakfast and Little Chick’s Big Day
• Brian Lies: Bats at the Beach
• Astrid Lindgren: The Tomten
• Leo Lionni: Frederick
• Arnold Lobel: any of the Frog and Toad books
• Mercer Meyer: our favorite Little Critter book is Just Go to Bed. Little Critter seems to be a real hit with the 2-year-old set.
• Robert McCloskey: better known for Make Way for Ducklings, but I’ve always loved Blueberries for Sal
• Elsie Minarik: any of the Little Bear books
• Arlene Mosel: The Funny Little Woman
• Jane O’Connor: Fancy Nancy (the original)
• Bill Peet: The Caboose Who Got Loose
• Alice and Martin Provensen: A Book of Seasons and The Year at Maple Hill Farm
• Peggy Rathmann: Officer Buckle and Gloria
• Cynthia Rylant: The Relatives Came and When I Was Young in the Mountains
• Richard Scarry: The Bunny Book (he’s written two by this title, the one I mean is the one about what the baby bunny will be when he grows up).
• Maurice Sendak: Where the Wild Things Are
• Dr. Seuss: oh boy, where to start? We own twelve and love them all, except for Hop on Pop, which I can’t stand. My favorite is probably Fox in Socks.
• William Steig: Dr. de Soto
• Jane Yolen: Owl Moon

Did I miss any of your favorites?

books part II

In answer to your question, Ashley, (after some modifications and deleting and adding) I ended up purchasing these books (Neil's very thoughtful "thank you for doing our taxes, why don't you pick out some of your favorite books" gift).

I should say that while I am super excited for all of these books, we already have quite a large children's book collection, which holds many of my favorites. So this isn't necessarily the list of the books I would first recommend to build your stash. I should also say that we are definite bookworms around here, and regard books as a sound investment. :-) Our kids will literally sit for hours--HOURS--looking at books, so the sticker shock is something that we're willing to work with. Not excited about, but recognizing that it's a trade-off. Some people buy shoes or necklaces or CDs, we buy books. Just one of those things.

• Trina Shart Hyman's The Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Merlin and the Making of the King--possibly my favorite illustrator ever. Unfortunately, just about everything she's done except for Saint George and the Dragon and The Kitchen Knight is now out of print or prohibitively expensive. Incidentally, Saint George was one of the first two books in our children's library [Bread and Jam for Frances was the other, of course]. But if you don't have those, they are very affordable at Amazon.
  
• The Tomten by Astrid Lindgren
• The Polar Express by Chris van Allsburg
• The Year at Maple Hill Farm (Provensen)
• Night Tree (Eve Bunting)
• The Little Pig (Judy Dunn--not a literary classic, but I remember reading it over and over when I was little)
• Doctor de Soto (William Steig)
• When I Was Young in the Mountains (Cynthia Rylant)
• Owl Moon (Jane Yolen)
• Twelve Days of Christmas (Hilary Knight--absolutely entrancing illustrations)
• Veganomicon (a cookbook for me!)
• The Ox-Cart Man (Barbara Cooney, also the author of my very favorite book Miss Rumphius)
• The Big Red Barn (Margaret Brown--this is a replacement copy because we have loved the other one to shreds)
• The Little Brute Family (Russell Hoban--this is seriously one of the awesomest books I have ever read, by the author of the Frances books. I laugh on every page of this book).
  
• James Herriot's Treasury for Children (love, love, love his books for adults. so excited for this!!)
  

If you're just starting out, I would highly recommend checking the children's book lots on eBay. Look for award-winners, you can usually get a great batch!! Plus the library book sales are the cheapest way to go; our library sells children's books for 50 cents each and I just went to one last weekend in my parents' town where they were 3/$1. We're just at the stage now where we have most of the popular ones that are sold at these kind of sales, so I'm having to do more searching and paying closer to full price to get the ones I'm really hankering after.

And now I must go add all these to my Excel home library catalog!

reflecting

Today has been a little hard. Yesterday felt like a never-ending marathon of things that had to be done; when I finally fell into bed at 10 pm I felt utterly drained. This morning we spent two hours at the doctor's office for the third time in as many weeks; Isaac needed a breathing treatment and 3 shots, and we ended up leaving with a nebulizer so that we can give him treatments every four hours for the next week (along with steroids and antibiotics). It was disheartening, to say the least.

But I can't help but count my blessings. I am so incredibly thankful for my three children. I was thinking this morning about how much I have "grown up" since Abigail's birth, and how much I still have to learn--but I can recognize the areas where I need to expand and change. I'm so grateful for the chance I have to learn and develop. I'm grateful for a husband who supports my decision to stay home with the children, although my education and talents are such that we could live very comfortably if I worked full-time. I'm grateful for his willingness to live more humbly (and at the same time, for his encouragement as I teach the occasional class or two).

Most of all, I'm just grateful for each day. Sometimes I wake up and think, "Oh no...another one..." but more often I am simply thankful for the opportunity to do a little better and be a little better every day than I was the day before (something that makes it into my prayers every night). I'm grateful for the little moments that transcend the mundane nature of much that I do: for the intent concentration on a little brow as small hands shape a loaf of bread, for a baby who twists around in my lap to give me an enormous grin as he pats my face, for a little girl who practically lives in a pink fluffy tutu.

I'm grateful for mortality. I'm so grateful that I can make my own choices and learn and grow from my mistakes and from my successes. Really, there are few better gifts.