confessions of a worrier

A few days ago I was talking with some friends about blogging, and we started talking about why we blog. In the course of this conversation, I realized that one of the main reasons why I blog isn't one I've really confessed to myself before, and it's kind of silly, but very true (and somewhat exacerbated by the day that Abigail, after one too many readings of Cinderella, told me that she does not have a step-mother and she does not want me to die, because she wants me to be her mommy, and then she started to cry. We haven't read Cinderella since).

Deep down, I'm afraid something will happen to me and I will die and my children won't remember me. So I blog for two reasons: so they will know the person their mother was, and so they will know how much I loved them. Of course, I also blog because I want to have a record of all the adorable things they do, and because it helps me stay in touch with friends and family, but I also blog because I've read way too many fairy tales and bildungsromans about children growing up without their mother.

I know, I know, the odds are in my favor. But still. As an inveterate worrier...just in case.

Which brings me to today's post. I'm sure that at some point in her life, Abigail will feel like her mother doesn't love her or understand her (this is more likely if I'm still around, in fact).

Which is why, my sweet little daughter, I want you to know that on your third birthday I spent a long time thinking about things you love, and what I could give you that would make you really ecstatic, and then I spent five hours two weeks ago making these:

I know, it's a small thing, but I can't wait to see your excitement when you open them. I love you so much, sweetie. I am so glad I get to be your mommy and I can watch you learn and grow. You are such a delightful little person and I feel so lucky to be with you.

I am especially excited to see your face when you find these three (four).

Love you, pumpkin.

**Oh, and I know some people asked for a tutorial on these, so I'll eventually post a photo tutorial (unless, Kathleen and Becca, you'd like to do one as the originators of the hairbows?)**

recipe for a good weekend:

one fabulous girls' night

one husband who sneaks the children out in the morning (after juliet's early AM feeding) and lets you sleep in until TEN, which you have not done since abigail's birth

one amazing baptismal service

one family trip to the campus pool

one family snuggled up to watch enchanted with a huge bowl of air-popped corn (and lots of butter, natch)

golly i love the people in my world.

what we've been doin'...

Dragging the toy kitchen around the house...and playing with it for hours (I was really impressed that Abigail managed to move it into the living room by herself while I was feeding Juliet)



Enjoying the blustery March days in the company of Abigail's Barbie kite (at which Neil always grumbles, "This is such an unmanly kite!" as he tosses it up in the air, after which he adds thoughtfully, "But Abigail sure does like it...")



Juliet watches the kite from the security of her bunting...



...and nears hypnosis as her head bobs up and down with the kite...



In their bath, Abigail is ever-helpful as always, picking up a handful of suds and vigorously beginning to wash Juliet's fuzz of curls (curls! it's beginning to curl!!)



Juliet the Bean-Loving Desperado

Lots of kisses and stories...

and Juliet practicing her newest skill...

...climbing! Eeek!! We just got adjusted to crawling.

More snuggles...

...lots of snacks (yesterday an endless parade of homemade whole-wheat tortillas disappeared down Abigail's little pink gullet as fast as they came off the stove)

...much rejoicing over the Easter treats from great-grandparents...

...much displeasure at being told she had to eat her soup first...

...and much fun in the weekend to come, because as everyone around this house knows, Saturday mornings during Jules' naptime is Mommy and Abigail go out together time, because, as Abigail emphatically told Neil last night, "We are buddies, and you gotta stay here cause it's just Mommy and me are buddies!"

stuff

The nap strike is still in full effect, but today I'm feeling marginally sane thanks to:

• Neil feeding the kids breakfast today so I could go running (and avoid the whole breakfast battle, my absolute least favorite part of the day)
• My darling grandparents sending an absolutely delightful package in the mail, full of goodies and treats, both of the chocolate variety and of the bamboo placemats and fun spices variety--they know me so well. :-)
• My friend Kathleen lending me her daughter Mia for a playdate this morning to keep Abigail occupied, and then hanging out with me for an hour afterwards when she came to pick Mia up so I could have some much-needed talk-to-friends time!

Almost the weekend...hurrah, hurrah, hurrah.

Oh, and here's the belated Easter pictures--nobody would ever look at the camera and smile, so they're not quite flattering.

Which actually, now that I look at them, is kind of indicative of how this whole week has gone...not very cooperatively. But at least the dresses are cute! (thanks G'ma and Papa for funding those--we had so much fun on our shopping trip, and Abigail picked hers out herself and was absolutely DELIGHTED. She adores pink).

my happy place

When I was a freshman, I was on the Residence Halls Council (which is the group who plans all the activities specifically for people who live in the residence halls on campus, like the dances or barbeques, etc.) It was pretty stressful and required a TON of time, so one day our regular planning meeting was substituted for a session on relaxation and meditation. We all stretched out on the floor, closed our eyes, and found our "happy place." I don't remember what my happy place was then, but I'll tell you what my happy place is now: kneading bread on my kitchen table with the afternoon sunlight pooling on the floor (the dining room gets the morning sunlight, but it's just not the same in the morning...afternoon is best). The walls are painted my favorite color, the hutch is filled with interesting cookbooks, specialty ingredients, my very favorite tablecloths, placemats, and napkins, plus my growing stash of magazines like Martha Stewart Living, Bon Appetit, Gourmet, and Domino. It's the most calm and peaceful place in my entire house, and I love just standing at that table, kneading bread, with my eyes closed and basking in the sunlight.

(you'll probably have to click to enlarge it).



What's your happy place? Where do you feel most calm and centered?

abigailisms

Okay, I've forgotten most of the really good ones, but here we go anyway!

• At our house, Dr. Seuss's book "There's a Wocket in my Pocket" is better known to Abigail as "there's a wallet in my pocket!"
• Neil heard cries of "Daddy! Help, Daddy, help help!" and went into the living room to find Juliet, entranced by the flashing lights of the CD player, making frantic swipes at all the buttons, while Abigail, completely dismayed at Juliet's obvious intentions of doing a no-no and playing with the CD player, had grasped Juliet firmly around the waist and was attempting to hold her lunging little body back. Note: Juliet weighs about 2/3 of Abigail's total weight.
• at the children's museum looking at the T-rex fossils on display: "Mommy, those dinosaur alligator dragons are just for pretend, huh? But I fink dat maybe you should hold me just to be sure."
• singing the "dane-a-drus" (dangerous) song whenever we're anywhere with moving cars, and then informing me solemnly that the dead bunny on our road forgot to sing the song
• Why we spell things out around our house or use creative euphemisms:
  Me: Neil, tonight will you help me make hairbows to match Abigail's Easter dress?
  Neil: Sure, if we can watch a movie while we do it.
  Abigail: I want to watch a movie!
  Neil: No, we're not going to watch a movie right now.
  Abigail: But somebody did say movie! I heard it!
• Abigail to Neil when he arrived home from work: "Daddy, I am Ariel, Mommy is Belle, and Juliet is Sleeping Beauty. But you are the Beast, so we are all going to run away from you."
• Explaining Easter to Juliet: "Julesie mouse, Easter is the birthday of the earth and of Jesus so we have eggies to open, because they are like little presents with chocolate inside, like for birthdays. And also Jesus died and then went to see Heavenly Father and President Hinckley and Joseph Smith when they died and then he came back and stopped being died and so we have Easter with egg presents because we are very happy that Jesus is not died anymore."
• And last but not least: when a few of Abigail's friends were over last week, they began playing a game called "nap time." One girl would go outside of Abigail's bedroom and talk busily on the phone while the other three got in Abigail's bed and pretended to be asleep. Then one of the girls would get up, open the door, and say, "We are done with naps! Time for a treat!" and the girl talking on the phone would say, "No! You get back in bed right now!" and then sigh and say into the phone, "Dey just won't stay in bed for naps! I am so tired of dis!" They played it for about twenty minutes, each taking turns being the "mommy," while I just about died laughing watching them.
  

i can waste a lot of time here: www.freerice.org

and feel good about doing it.

having trouble?

Today I broke one of my cardinal rules: I let the children watch a movie while I ran on the treadmill (okay, Juliet only watched 5.5 minutes of it, but still).

Why?

Well, because the car (battery) DIED in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD while I was driving to the church to go set up for Enrichment, and I was just not feeling very good and calm the rest of the day. It ended up being okay--I got to enjoy a frantic run down the road (fortunately I was wearing running shoes, which I'd changed into at the last minute from high-heeled boots) after a passing car, which turned out to contain...one of my students! Which was a little embarassing, but also really reassuring to have my car jumped by someone I knew, because I was just kind of scared having two teeny little kids in the car with me and being stranded...without a cell phone, which we still don't have but maybe now I think might be a good idea. Anybody know much about those prepaid emergency-type cell phones, incidentally?

So when we got home after the enrichment setup, Abigail watched part of Aladdin, Juliet napped, and I ran myself back into some semblance of sanity. It will be good to have the enrichment meeting tonight so I can start to get my life back together a little--I have been so busy lately! For instance, yesterday I went to campus and taught two classes, came home and taught Abigail's preschool class for two hours, made a cake for the enrichment meeting and made dinner for that night...all before lunchtime. It's just kind of crazy and I am kind of crazy.

That's all for today.

Chasing Elmo

One of the really fun things about being a parent is you can convince your children to do silly things and then laugh yourself sick over the ensuing spectacle. One of the sort of scary things about being a parent is watching your children do the same things to each other.

For instance, a few days ago I watched Abigail carefully spread a trail of Cheerios across the living room carpet in an attempt to lure Juliet all the way across the room, for no purpose other than her own (Abigail's) amusement. Mother of the Year that I am, rather than saying, "No snacks in the living room," or "Juliet should only eat finger foods when strapped into a high chair in the upright position," or even "Sweetie, don't tease your sister," I joined in on the Cheerio-spreading.

Which leads us to today's post.

We bought Abigail a pair of Elmo slippers last fall when the temperature dropped. They're fluffy with big googly eyes and an enticing orange nose.

They are the pinnacle of temptation in Juliet's world.

Every chance she gets, she tries desperately to gnaw on those googly eyes and puffy orange nose. Abigail, fortunately, is really good-natured about this and carefully pulls her feet away rather than kicking Juliet in the tooth (oh yes! She has a tooth!).

Today, however, Abigail saw the amusement factor in Juliet's consuming lust for the Elmos, which resulted in the following:


Figure 1: The Bait




Figure 2: The Huntress Sees the Quarry



Figure 3: The Hunt Commences




Figure 4: The Huntress Approaches





Figure 5: The Huntress Contemplates Her Angle of Approach






Figure 6: The Huntress Surveys Her Prey







Figure 7: Much Munching Ensues

My favorite part? They went all around the house doing this, with Abigail periodically hopping on one foot and waving her be-Elmoed foot to pique Juliet's flagging interest. Worked like a charm.

Today I ran three miles and then took Juliet to the doctor's office (where she was diagnosed with a double ear infection!!) without washing my hair first (I did take a 30-second shower, but since the "jury" decided against naps today, I didn't want to leave them alone very long. And plus I timed my run a bit too close to departure time, so I had to leave pronto).

Is that totally gross? Have your standards of personal hygiene, uh, let's say "shifted" since becoming a mom? Or going to college? Or having to do your own laundry?

It's a sad and stinky world sometimes. Thank heavens for those trusty Bath and Body Works body splashes!

Oh, and I have no intention of showering again until tomorrow morning. So hah!

my life

Dear lovekins,

Today I had some extra time in between classes. So while I walked down the halls of the English building, I read the signs on the walls. All the calls for papers, conference postings, notices of dissertation defenses, and the like made me really start to wonder if I should go ahead and apply for a doctoral program while we're here. I felt a lot of internal turmoil at this idea--some excitement, but mostly a lot of dread. I thought about the chance to publish that I'd turned down last week because it would have meant that I would need to hire someone to watch the two of you while I worked on getting this article ready for publication, and I wondered if I'd made the right choice.

Then I came home, and I spent the morning with both of you, and I watched you play together and laugh together, and I was so filled with love and happiness for both of you, and I knew I was doing the very best thing that I could be doing.

I love watching the two of you together. I love how kind you are, Abigail, to your little sister. I have never seen you take a toy from her without immediately replacing it with something else. You're always gentle when you touch her, and you use your "sweet voice" when you speak to her. And in turn, you are her absolute favorite person in the world--she lights up when you come into the room.





Thank you, Abigail, for being the center of your sister's world, and being so careful and loving as you introduce her to all the things that give you the most joy.



Another thing I really treasure about being your mother is the opportunity to see how loving and considerate you are of everyone around you. Every night at dinner, you smile brightly and say happily, "How your day was, Daddy? How your day was, Mommy?" You are always ready to dispense kisses, hugs, and kind acts.



I am so grateful that I can be at home to watch the two of you grow together.

And that I can snuggle, kiss, and love you to my heart's content.

I love watching you both explore the world around you. It's fascinating for me to see your exuberance and wonder at each new discovery, and I never cease to be amazed by your memory.

As you would say, Abigail, "I just love you SOOOO much!" It warmed my heart when you informed me that you "like the dinosaurs, but maybe you should pick me up and hold me just to be sure that I be safe." I am glad that I am someone you trust and look to for protection. I love holding your hand and singing the "dangeous" song as we cross the street or walk through a parking garage. I love your confidence in me as your mother.

I am so grateful for both of your sweet personalities, for your mellow natures, for your abundant smiles and delighted laughter. I am grateful for all the time we spend together reading stories, going on walks, singing silly songs and drawing funny pictures. I am so grateful to be your mommy.

Help, please!

My little sister Ruth and her boyfriend Jordan just got engaged this weekend. Hurrah!!!!!! We are so excited for them!!!!

Now they/we/I are asking for your housing advice! It's been a couple of years since I lived in Provo, so I'm not quite up on the housing scene there in terms of giving really productive advice.

So I want to know this, and please, PLEASE share your nuggets of knowledge here!

What are some good married housing places in Provo (and bad, if there are areas you definitely wouldn't recommend!)

What, in your experience, was the average going rate for apartments (one bedroom or two, whichever you're most familiar with) in the Provo area?

Do you know of anywhere that you'd recommend that will have openings in July? (And on this note, are you moving and looking to sell off furniture, or do you know anyone who is?)

Oh, and while we're on the topic of advice, does anybody have any great wedding planning tips for the Provo area--a photographer you were happy with, a printing place that really did a fabulous job, etc.?

spring break, part 1

This week is our spring break, which means instead of teaching classes and grading and worrying about things like that, I get lots of extra time to spend having sheer delight and fun times with my kiddies.

On Tuesday, we decided to spend the morning doing crafties together. We found last year's April issue of Martha Stewart Living and found a delightful kid-friendly craft: pom-pom bunnies.

We decided the bunnies needed a home, so we wove some pipe-cleaner baskets for them.

And then we decided to add some chenille bump chicks.

Then we painted a wooden sign for them to roost on (this was Abigail's favorite part!)

We wrapped some craft eggs with perle cotton thread to add a bit of shine and pizzazz...

...and then enjoyed our springtime display.

Overwhelmed by the fluffiness of the house, Neil retreated to the garage in the evening and gave another coat of stain to the entryway bench he's been building.

Next up: our trip to the the largest children's museum in the country!

For the crafts how-to, go here.