unseasonable

 We have seriously had the craziest winter here--most Februaries there's a severe weather warning and you're not supposed to outside with exposed skin for longer than a minute.  School is routinely canceled for severe cold; even the university has shut down a time or two.  We've had days where we were snowed in with three or four feet.

This year we haven't even had enough snow to scrape together a gnome-sized snowman.  And today it was 65 degrees!  Wild, I tell you.

But actually the warm weather was a boon today (although I'm worried about the fruit trees and what this means for our weather this summer).  Luke was up (seemingly) all night with a cold and I was feeling groggy and unimaginative (see the first picture inside of miserable baby, and then the second outside of happy baby!).  Sunshine and breezy beautifulness was just what we needed to perk up.

And just for comparison's sake, here's a picture of the boys a month ago that I found on my camera in a weird hidden file.

 

 We pretty much lived outside today, pot-bellies and all.  It was awesome. (I do have a picture of Isaac naked from the waist down just hanging out enjoying the sun, but I'll spare you that one).  

"library building" is its own category in our budget

 Today at dinner Abigail said, "When I grow up, do I have to work?  Or can someone just mail me money for food so I can sit around and read books all day?"

We talked about various book-related careers, like publishers, authors, editors, book critics--all were met with a curled lip and look of dismay from Abigail.

"No, not those things," she explained patiently.  "I just want to sit around and read books all day."

Wouldn't we all, child, wouldn't we all.

ps--I love the fact that I was able to snap every single one of these pictures on the same day.  those are my chickens--but let's hope they grow up to have better self-control than their mother about reading into the wee hours.

things I am thankful for today

It's been awhile since my blog had words, so...here are some words.  Things that I'm grateful for.

• the time I spent today on the couch with Juliet folded into my lap and her head snuggled under my chin while we listened to Abigail, who was snuggled up to my other side, read to us while the boys played together on the floor. I was perfectly and completely content and it was the best part of my day.
• Isaac's funny ways of speech:  "I'm a T-wex with weewee sarp cwaws!"
• and that Isaac is (mostly) potty-trained.  This makes my life feel so much easier.
• Good friends.  I made a really quick call today to a friend, but Isaac was yelling in the background so I didn't talk very long, and afterwards I was wishing I'd had a few minutes to chat with her because I enjoy her conversation so much.  And ditto for the friend who had Isaac and Juliet over for a playdate earlier, and I hung around forever when I was picking them up because it was so nice to talk with her!  I like friends.  I need to make friendship more of a priority in this busy busy life.  Friends, I have missed you all and you all are wonderful.
• physical therapy.  It's hard to be grateful for this because I was feeling particularly cranky today about the fact that it's eating an hour every day (and how effective is physical therapy when you're toting a baby on one hip and a little boy is zooming a car up and down your other hip?), but my knee has progressed from horrific pain to just feeling sort of weird and making popping noises, so that's pretty darn awesome.
• my husband works so hard for us.  He's back at the lab right now, and I spent the evening eating chocolate ice cream and reading a fun new book... 
• ...because the grading that has been plaguing my life out is finally done.  Words cannot express how happy this makes me.
• I'm thankful for "Downton Abbey," which admittedly is trending a bit towards the soap opera genre, but it's still awesome anyway.  It's going to be a long year until we find out what happens next!
• my calling right now is really pushing me to think and consider and ponder.  The latest series of lessons have been topics that have been really difficult for me, and it has been so good to read tons of talks and articles and viewpoints in addition to the lesson material (which is admittedly quite outdated--and okay, I'm pretty much teaching straight from the supplemental Conference talks and the scriptures and not the manul).  I feel like these lessons are for my benefit more so than for the Laurels (I know people say that all the time about lessons or talks, but it's true for me), but these sweet young ladies are patient with me anyway while I work through my issues and try to give a coherent lesson!  And that's another thing I am grateful for--these girls are AMAZING.  Just amazing.  I love love love teaching them.  This is my favorite calling that I've ever had.  Another thing I'm grateful for.  :-)
• growing maturity.  We've had to make some changes in our home and future plans that have seriously curtailed personal goals that I had set for myself, and I'm at peace with that.  These are things that I really would have struggled with giving up even six months ago, and I am so grateful that I can do it now.  
• Luke's cheeks.  Every time he looks up at me and rubs his fat little hand through his wee curls and says expectantly, "Mam mam mama?" I just have to kiss those chunky little pillows a hundred times (note: my mom says this is why we're always sick and she is absolutely right.  we share germs, oh yes we do).  
• baked oatmeal.  I've been making this for Friday morning breakfasts for probably six months and everyone in my family loves it.  EVERYONE.  it is the best thing ever to start out that last weekday, especially because you can make it the night before and stick it in the 'fridge.  here is the recipe (I've modified it from the original source (scaled some elements down so it makes just enough for our family, added more apples, and substituted applesauce for all of the oil)
  
  2 c. oats
  1 c. milk (more if it looks really dry)
  1 egg
  1 scant t. baking powder
  1 t. cinnamon
  1 t. vanilla
  2 Granny Smith apples, diced
  1/2 c. applesauce
  1/4 c. maple syrup

mix everything together until it's a big gooey mess and then plop it into a greased baking dish, cover, and pop it in the 'fridge.  bake at 375 for 30 minutes.  

bathing beauties

weekend

This weekend we were planning to go visit my parents, but because we looked like this: 

we decided not to go.  And I was sooo sad about it!  So incredibly sad.  I had been looking forward to it so much, since we hadn't visited up there since Thanksgiving, and my sweet parents took their health in their hands and drove down to see us for the day on Saturday.  It was lovely and delightful and we ate good food and now I really hope they don't get sick.

And my mom didn't sleep the whole time or anything, but she looked so cute taking a nap that I had to take a picture of her.  And my boys were, as always, fascinated by those crazy technological devices that we don't have (my parents just got iPhones and wow, those are pretty awesome.  Too bad we just have a prepaid emergency cellphone somewhere in our house that I only find when we are driving across the country).

Hats

Today the "big kids" were all playing dress-ups and I think Luke felt a little left out.  Abigail and I started putting hats on him and he just loved it!  Big, cheesy grins and giggles.  And then when I went and got the camera, he totally started doing this dopey little smile and posing for each picture.  He's such a fun little boy.

this day is better

Thank you all so, so, so much for your comments and emails about that last post.  I appreciated each and every one of them--and your sage advice and wisdom and commiseration--so much.  I feel lucky to have all of you!

And as we're starting to get over this awful bug, I feel like life is brighter (surprise, surprise, right?)  Things seem possible again.

The picture above is one of Isaac two years ago this month--he is getting so big so fast and my heart has been really--tender? Is that the right word? but so full of love for this little boy-who-is-not-so-little.  He can put on his own clothes and fasten his own shoes and put on his own coat (although he still asks me to "zip me up all the way home").  He calls me "honey" now instead of "Mommy."  He loves to be tucked in and say his prayers every chance he gets, and he likes to "seep wif dah seepsin" (sleep with the sheepskin) because "dat's sumpfin big boys do."  He's suddenly interested in trains and trucks and "tanz-formers," with a special spot in his heart for "diggers" and "dass a weelly big twackter!" and he loves to pretend like he's a dinosaur, either a T-rex or a "tri-scary-tops."  When I go into the kitchen, he runs after me, pulls a chair up to the counter, and says expectantly, "What we makin'?  Can I stir it wif my poon?"  He still loves his bear and tenderly changes its diaper about 100x a day.  And today I caught him "playing" with "Yookey," who was crawling across the floor and did NOT want to play horsey with Luke as the horse and Isaac as the cowboy ("but honey, he is dust cwalling and I fink he wanssa play hossie wif me but den he cwies when I sit on him...").

And that second picture is Isaac just a few days ago, after he did his patented Isaac happy-the-food-is-out-of-the-oven dance.  I love this boy and his crazy dancing--tonight we were out and he and Jules both went to the bathroom, and he finished first so I suggested he dance while we waited (so he wouldn't touch all the nasty public restroom things; I am a total germophobe) and he just went crazy with his own awesome moves and sound effects.  I love this boy so so so so much.

Overruled

Lately I've felt like my weaknesses have become the dominant force in my life.  Ironic, considering it's still quite close to the beginning of the year, but I feel like I was so much stronger and in control just a few months ago.

Blowing out my knee has been really hard for me in so many ways.  I can't run as far or as fast as I used to (I feel like I was a better runner when I was pregnant than I am right now!)  Doing 96 30-count sets of physical therapy exercises every day has been absolutely horrible for my latent OCD tendencies.  I found myself hyperventilating the other day while I was counting reps.  It's bad, folks, and I'm starting to feel very despairing about the whole thing.  I don't know whether I'm doing more mental damage as I try to repair the physical damage that doesn't seem to be healing as I'd like it to.  I'm looking ahead at my planned race calendar for the year and wondering if I'll be in shape to do any of it--I should be starting training for my first race in another week and I'm only averaging 15-20 miles a week right now.  I really want to run a marathon, but my husband's work schedule has ramped up to the point where I don't think that will be possible, and that's been emotionally wrenching.

I feel like my biggest thing right now is that I am constantly feeling guilty and inadequate.  Guilt for not pushing my husband to work 80-hour weeks the last six years so that we would be finished with school.  Guilt for not making our family time together more meaningful during those years so that when he wasn't working those hours, the time he was with us really counted.  Guilt for not spending enough quality time with all of my children.  Guilt for staying up too late reading because I am so desperate to finally have some quiet time to myself.  Guilt for my unmopped kitchen floor, which I should be mopping right now rather than typing this.  Guilt for not running today because my hips were popping and aching from this awful flu that has been plaguing me for the last week.  Guilt for so many things.  Just a big dark cloud sitting on my head.  I feel like my life is slipping away from me and I can't reach out and grab it because I am beset by so many small things that I'm losing my grasp on the big things, but I can't let the small things go because they're vital to the day-to-day functioning around here.  I don't know how to prioritize things of eternal significance right now because I feel so buffeted by my mortal woes, and I feel guilt for not having this all figured out.  I feel like I should be doing so many things that I'm not doing:  homeschooling, getting up at 5 am, actually studying my scriptures rather than just reading, planning more interesting meals that my family actually likes, fixing the leaky toilets instead of just waiting for Neil to do it, etc.  I've been sitting here staring at the blinking cursor trying to think of something that I feel happy and confident about right now and I'm coming up empty-handed.

I think the most troubling thing for me right now is that I liked myself a lot better two years ago.  I felt that I was a more patient mother and loving wife, and stronger and more capable and more energized and more in control of my life.  I feel like I've backslid a lot, and that's not a comfortable feeling, but I feel so harried that I can't figure out how to recapture the me that I like.

My blog seems to swing back and forth from one extreme to the other with a vengeance, doesn't it?  Maybe I'll go running now.

9 month (give or take) Valentine baby

It seems like I just wrote about Luke being 8 months old!  I suppose that's a side effect of only blogging once a week or so.

In any case, Luke hit the 9-month mark a few days ago, and we went to the doctor for his checkup today, which makes it feel official.  He's 29.5 inches tall and weighs 21 lbs 8 oz (finally, he's starting to slow down on the weight gain--thank goodness because my arms and back can't take much more).  And he is delicious and happy and sunshiny.  He's crawling like lightning, pulling up on everything in sight (unfortunately he is fascinated with the fireplace) and he always seems to be sporting a big bruise on his face due to his adventures in mobility.  We've seen him stand on his own a time or two and he's starting to think about cruising along on the furniture.  He's got six little toothums and he loves feeding himself (bananas, Cheddar cheese, and scrambled eggs are the current favorites).  He's mostly down to two naps a day (although he takes the occasional evening nap) and sleeps a good 12 hours or so at night (would that it was completely uninterrupted, but I think that's the nature of the game when you have three older siblings who are going to the bathroom and having nightmares and losing stuffed animals in their pajamas and the like).

 Isaac is starting to feel not so friendly towards Luke this days, since Luke can now destroy Isaac's careful train tracks or Lincoln Log houses--I hear a lot of "No, Yukey, NOOOO" and then a wail from Luke.  We're working on that.

It seems like our boys like me a lot more as babies than the girls did (before they get old enough that they all prefer Daddy).  Luke calls "Mamamamamama" when he can't see me and crawls rapidly until he finds me again, then breaks into a big grin and whacks his arms up and down in his version of joy.  It's pretty cute.

And here we have that perennial baby favorite, the dishwasher.  I wonder if I will ever put paring knives in the dishwasher again, or if my children will have me so well-trained that I won't even consider it when they're in their thirties (I guess I just need to mentally resign myself to hand-washing them along with all my really good knives).

 Last night after Family Home Evening we did a Valentine's scavenger hunt.  I had made some scratch-off clues (so easy:  write your text, then cover it with packing tape, then paint over it with a mixture of 2 parts metallic paint to 1 part dish soap, and let it dry) and hid them around the house.  The girls thought the scratch-off was the neatest thing ever (Isaac didn't care one bit) until they got to the final spot and found the dryer full of new books!  I had SO much fun picking these out and the children were overjoyed.  We stayed up late reading them all (although Juliet is waiting for me on the couch right now with this one).

Hope you have a lovely Valentine's Day!  We are all so sick here (still!! I keep thinking we're done and then it comes back with a vengeance--sorry to everyone my kids have breathed on in the last week!), but I'm trying to make the best of it and make it fun anyway.  Thank goodness for Tylenol.  And for chocolate, because that flourless chocolate torte I am making for dinner tonight is practically a panacea for all ailments.

Crayon hearts

They don't look as lovely as the ones made by Martha's minions, but Abigail and Juliet

 found these pretty magical all the same.  

I call the little one "Bitey"

So those teeth that Luke sprouted?  He figured out how to use them.  Yeowch!  Here's hoping that the fascination with biting passes quickly.

Remember the other night when we were reading Robin Hood? (which, come to think of it, is actually what Neil is doing in this picture--also, notice that Juliet and I are wearing the exact same shirt, thanks to my brother-in-law Jordan's business! Actually I think my entire family has a substantial amount of Qualtrics logos in their wardrobe, so we're in good company).




Anyway...Robin Hood was a hit.  The children spent the next few days jumping off various bits of furniture (masquerading as trees) onto innocent stuffed animals (the Sheriff of Nottingham) and shooting their hosta-stalk-arrows with their Christmas tree-limb bows.  Good times (even if I did have to pick tin foil out of Luke's mouth after Isaac peeled it off his sword and left it out for Luke).

 They did ask me to be the Sheriff, but after Abigail finished dressing me up she said, "Oh man!  This won't work!  You just look like a pretty lady in a cloak, not a bad guy at all!"

So the game ended (at least for me) on a high note.  :-)

pretty much perfect

Today is shaping up to be an awesome day, and this is why:

• We are celebrating Groundhog Day à la française as Chandeleur, which means masses of crêpes for dinner.  AWESOME.
• Jules and Isaac both had a friend over today, and it was the most perfect playdate--the kids got on so well and had so much fun, and I had a lot of fun with them.  I've felt a little guilty for not doing more playdates for Juliet; I've been thinking that she didn't really need them with siblings and preschool, but she was so overjoyed to have a friend her age with the same interests.  That poor girl practically got hugged and best-friended to death (fortunately she was so sweet about it!)
• My knee is continuing to improve--I saw the physical therapist again yesterday and things are looking good (they better be because I'm spending 45 minutes every day on those dang exercises!  My last four runs have been pain-free and this is so, so, so amazing to me.
• My new treadmill arrived today!!  So excited.  I did end up ordering another one from Smooth Fitness, despite the previous debacle--they gave me an amazing deal on one of their high-end treadmills (with a 7-year warranty so this one should last a lot longer even if I do my best to run it into the ground again...).  I was so not thrilled during that mess and it was really stressful, but my experience is that expressing your frustration via social media = much better customer service.  Kind of sad, but true.
• The weather is still beautiful.  Usually February here means you literally cannot be outside with unprotected skin, but it's breezy and sunny and warm right now.  Beautiful (a little disturbing, but still beautiful).
• Abigail had a 2-hour delay this morning due to fog.  We read lots of stories and were very leisurely all morning.  She cleaned out and reorganized her drawers (one of her favorite things to do.  Yes, she is so her mother's child).  
• Isaac is a potty-training rock star!  We've gone through probably 150 bags of fruit snacks in the last month, but it's worth it (he has amazing sphincter control is all I'm saying.  I know nobody else that can clear their colon on demand--for a bag of fruit snacks as reward--the way he can).  
• I am completely caught up on grading.  Awesome feeling.  I hate grading.
• My house stayed surprisingly clean this morning because the children were performing an extended ballet of The Nutcracker.
• It's naptime and I have nothing that I really have to do other than snuggle with Jooj and read stories.  Best feeling ever.
• I spent an hour yesterday picking out some new books for the kiddos for Valentine's Day.  I can't wait to see their faces.  Plus the girls and I have this whole line-up of crafts we're planning to make (we're thinking of doing these for their classes).  Yay! 
• My federal and state tax return have both been accepted.  Double yay!
• Not today, but last night Abigail and Juliet both ate every scrap of their dinner without a word of complaint, thanked me politely for making "such a delicious dinner," and cleared their dishes without being asked (it was nothing special:  black bean chili, cornbread, and baby carrots).  I was flabbergasted but it was a lovely way to start the evening (we lit a fire and read a bit from Howard Pyle's The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood before tucking the kids in).  
• Yesterday someone asked me how many children I had and then when I said four asked me if I had a housekeeper.  I laughed and said no and she was completely amazed.  Today the treadmill delivery guy asked me if I was babysitting.  I said, no, they are all mine and one is at school.  He raised his eyebrows and told me good luck.  I laughed at both of these, but really, I am so grateful for my children (even if I may never get another good night's sleep...ever...ever...again).  They are the delight of my life.  (And some day when we have our last baby, I am going to get this necklace, because that is exactly how I feel--my hands are almost as full as my heart).