depression update

So.  Last week was really rocky (okay, maybe the last two weeks) and I started to feel like I felt before I went on antidepressants a few months ago.  Panicky, overwhelmed by normal tasks, weepy, inadequate.  I finally realized what was going on when I started crying because the idea of getting the laundry out of the dryer was too much to contemplate.  Not even folding it or putting it away--just opening the door and putting it into a laundry basket.  It felt like it was literally impossible.

I called my doctor and she upped my dosage (I was on 50 mg; I asked her if we could try 75 mg before going up to 100 mg).  So far, so good.  I feel much more like myself and I was able to do all of the things I needed and wanted to do this weekend without being overwhelmed by despair.  I don't think I ever even came close to understanding how devastating and consuming this can be when I was trying to empathize with others struggling with depression.  It's just mind-boggling how quickly it can alter my perspective, capabilities, and motivation. And I'm so grateful for how quickly it can change back with those little blue pills.



**Photos of Isaac taken at my sister's wedding by my very talented uncle Fred

Nathan is four months old

My darling baby is four months old today! I was originally planning to do this post after his checkup on Wednesday so that I could include his growth stats, but...given my track record lately with getting posts up (hello, feast or famine) I thought I better go ahead now and just update it later.

So.  "Naf-nin," as Luke likes to call him, is an absolute doll.  I know all of my babies have been delightful and enchanting, but this one is really something special.  He's so even-tempered, incredibly mellow, sleeps so well, and is really flexible and easy-going with all of the craziness around here that results from being the 5th baby.  He doesn't really fall asleep in his carseat much if we're out and about, so I've realized I need to be protective of his naps, but he is really great about being cheerful when he's been awake for a long time.  He's always very interested in everything around him.


Nathan is king of the darling baby giggles and coos, although we're hearing less from him lately because hallelujah!!!!  he finally started taking a pacifier last week.  I bought a larger size (I had some 0-2 month ones and I hadn't gone up yet because he was so adamant about refusing them) and he totally took it and was super happy about it.  I think his reflux is starting to improve and so he's less prone to gag, plus he's started to spend a lot more time gnawing on his hands (if you couldn't tell!), his toys, his blankets, my face, Abigail's hair, etc.  Much more okay with having things in his mouth without throwing up all over the world.

 Which means that he is also consenting to nap in his bassinet with his pacifier an hour after nursing rather than having to be nursed to sleep and then sleeping in his swing!  My world is looking so much brighter these days.  :-)

Nathan is one of those babies where you think that this absolutely cannot be your last baby because babies are so magical and wonderful and you want to have babies forever.  He is so sweet and cuddly and cute and he smells so good.  I love seeing his happy little face smiling at me and watching him rapturously kick out his chubby little feet!

 And last but not least, his eyes are starting to change color.  What will they be?!  So far we've got two hazels and two browns, so it's up to him to break the tie!

Beach, beach, beachity beach!

 On Saturday we met my parents at the beach.  I love love love that it is nicely situated between our homes--it's the perfect meeting place!  We told the kids the night before that we were headed to the beach but didn't tell them my parents would be there--they were SO EXCITED when they got out of the car and saw their grandparents!

We spent a good six hours enjoying the perfect weather, the warm sun, and the not-too-frigid water.  And, of course, the requisite burying-everyone-in-sand occupied a good chunk of the afternoon (the blond little boy in just trunks is not mine, the blond little boy in a lifejacket IS mine. In case you were wondering if we picked up a sixth child--just a friend we made at the beach!).

 Abigail was buried so deeply that it took quite awhile to dig her out.  The boys decided to be helpful and pour water on her to wash away the sand, but it ended up just making a giant mucky mess and it was quite amusing to watch her trying to get out.

Here's Jules lying back in the sun...


I didn't get a picture of Isaac in the sand, since I was nursing Nathan, but you can get a good idea of how diligently Luke was trying to help Isaac cover his face.  Yikes!



And Luke was so funny--he just lay there with this giant smile on his face and I was actually thinking that he might have fallen asleep, since it was his naptime.  Nope--just enjoying his turn to do what the big kids were doing!

 This will be the last picture of me for quite some time without raccoon eyes--I made sure all the kids got lots of sunscreen and completely forgot to do myself (nursing every time I remembered and just thought, oh, I'll do it as soon as I finish).  Since I was wearing knee-length running tights over my swimsuit (so much better than swimsuit bottoms for keeping out the sand!) I have the worst burn lines ever just below my knees--and around my face in the shape of my sunglasses, since I forgot that I wasn't wearing makeup with a heavy-duty SPF built in.



And I took this set of pictures while the girls were noshing on baguettes and big hunks of Brie--hence the puffy cheeks.

 This picture is of the boys looking for more things to feed the seagulls.  We had SO MANY seagulls flocking around us because the kids thought it was so funny to feed them.  Then I got up to show Luke how to chase the seagulls away and how cool it is to make them all go crazy and fly up at once--well, I tripped over the tarp, stepped in a hole in the sand, and did a totally spectacular fall down the sandy bluff to the water.  I was laughing so hard...but probably not as hard as everyone else who watched it.  The kids gave me the Funniest Fall of the Day award.

 And Nater Tot was so so good all day!  (which is saying something considering he's been on a nursing strike that has required pumping and syringing milk down his throat with a medicine dropper to keep him fed.  not fun.)

The only thing cuter than Nathan at the beach is fat little sandy Nathan toes at the beach.

Nathan had a great time hanging out with my parents--the other kids did too; I just put my camera away pretty early on!

Beach hair! I hope Luke does his hair like this when he's 15 or so.

 Sisters!  I was trying to recreate this picture from last summer, which I LOVE, but which has people in the background--unfortunately when I moved to get better light it allowed time for somebody else to get in the photo!  Oh well.

 Near the end of the day, the kids built this huge sand structure with Neil that involved a cave, a tunnel, and a moat running out to the water.  Pretty cool stuff.

Perfect perfect day.  I'm so glad that we live where we do!  Previous beach posts: 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008 (nothing from 2007 because Jules was born in August and we didn't go, nothing from 2006 because I didn't start my blog until that fall, and nothing from 2005 because OH WAIT WE LIVED AT THAT BEACH ALL SUMMER and I really should have had a blog.  Because we literally lived there for 3 months right after Abigail was born).

Trying to blog more regularly

I don't have much of import to say or lots of fun pictures, mostly because this is a journal-type post rather than a fun-things-we-did post.  I've been dithering lately about what I should do with the antidepressants--my prescription runs out next month and I don't really want to go see a new therapist to get a new one, but I don't feel like I'm ready to go off of them yet because this last week of the girls going back to school and starting work myself has been rough.  Nothing awful, just trying to adjust to many more commitments (we're driving them to & from school this year since the bus no longer runs from our neighborhood to the school, and for some reason that daily 3:25 deadline is really stressful for me) and doing things like homework and packing lunches and making sure that everyone is exactly where they need to be at specific times.  And we're starting up sports and lessons again and whatnot.  Just lots of changes from our carefree summer where we lounged around in our pajamas and read books and baked yummies all day.  I really miss having the downtime with my girls...it's nice to have things quieter during the day, but hard to have them gone so long and being back to that jam-packed evening where we're struggling to fit in quality time amongst everything else that needs to be done.  I feel like it's taking me literally all day to do basic things like laundry and dishes--there is just SO much going on that I can never manage to start a task and finish it all in one session, which is frustrating. (Oh, and Luke thinks it's time to start potty-training, and he's probably right.)

Nathan, bless his heart, finally started taking a pacifier yesterday and has slept much more over the last 24 hours, which has done weird things to our nursing schedule.  He was really uninterested in eating today and just wanted to smile at me, and I was getting stressed because it had been SO long since he'd gotten in a good feeding (it was 4 PM and he'd only eaten half-heartedly all day) that I ended up pumping and syringing milk down his throat with a medicine dropper, one mL at a time.  Not fun for anyone, but he's so borderline on his weight right now that I don't want him to start dropping feedings.

Anyway.  I just feel like I should update my blog-journal to say that things are still pretty good right now, but I'm struggling more than I have in the last few months.  Hopefully more sleep will help & we'll all settle into more of a routine soon.  And my body will get used to running 5 times a week again (oh, did I mention I'm training for another half-marathon?  Haven't signed up yet, since I'm not sure if I can with Nathan, but boy, am I craving some "me" time these days).

Back to school

Another summer has zoomed by!  Today Abigail started 3rd grade and Jules started 1st grade.  Juliet has been pretty nervous--she is definitely a homebody and we were so happy to be able to do half-day kindergarten last year (she was one of 3 out of 300 in our school who did that option, but it was definitely perfect for her).  She has been filled with trepidation about being gone all day, but Abigail has been so kind and considerate about trying to help Juliet feel more confident.  (Jules's world was rocked when we discovered last week that her teacher, who we ADORED with Abigail,  had abrubtly left the school and she had a brand-new first-year teacher instead.  Oh my!)  She had a bit of a rough day today and while the two of us were curled up on her bed together she told me she just wanted to stay forever at home with "you my kind Mommy" and never ever ever leave me again.  I was torn between heartache for her and joy that I was her place of solace.  Sweet Abigail assured her that the first day is always full of rules and lists, but tomorrow will be better.

But first things first--before school began, we went to the open house and then, as always, hit up our favorite specialty ice cream store for some serious deliciousness.

(I know it's not a very good picture but I'm trying to be more of a presence on my blog...)

Juliet's shirt didn't survive the night, but it was kind of worth it because I convinced her to get the best flavor ever instead of something lame like cotton candy.

The night before school started, we celebrated with a back-to-school feast.  I asked Abigail to be in charge of the table decorations and she decided that crayons plus some zinnias from our backyard would be a fun and festive decoration (I love her creative flair!).



She also wanted to use these cute goblets so she made a little berry mix to go in them and set them by each plate.

And the award for best photobomb of the night goes to Juliet!!  She is so talented in that area.  :-)

During dinner we introduced our family theme for the year, "Kindness Begins With Me."  We talked a lot about what it means to be kind and then identified acts of kindness that we had performed for someone else that day and that someone had performed for us.  We love doing our gratitude chain in November and I hope this will be a great way to extend that out into the rest of the year--we've added what Isaac calls "kindies" to our nightly dinner-table discussion of goodies and baddies from our day.

And after dinner Neil gave the four oldest children each a father's blessing.  This is something that my own father always did before we started a new school year and I always found it so comforting to hear counsel from the Lord specifically for me.  It was a wonderful experience for us all and a great way to start off the new school year!

Celebration time

First of all, I'd just like to give everyone a moment to catch their breath.  Isn't my little sister absolutely stunning?  Aside from her radiant beauty, there are two things that I really really love about this photo:
1) she chose to wear my mother's wedding dress and 2) her extremely talented husband took the photo.  That just makes this so special to me.

Even if she doesn't always look like that.

So you know how you have certain friends who are awesome all-around friends, but they're also your specific go-to person for certain things?  Like I have running friends, and gardening friends, and parenting friends--you know, things like that.  Things that you just always talk about because you're both interested in them.



































It's the same way with my sisters--Elise happens to be my sister where I am crazy and laughing all the time.  For instance, we spent probably two hours one night taking horrible Photobooth pictures of ourselves and laughing so hard my stomach started hurting.  And then we took really awesome videos of ourselves trying to feed a cookie to the screen and texted them to my sister Mary Beth.  (And Elise is the only other person I know who actually likes playing Quelf--I vividly remember one game where we were rolling around the floor because our arms & legs were frozen, we had signs taped to our foreheads, and anytime someone rolled the dice we had to yell "Quelf in the land of the farm!"  We thought it was hysterically funny and everyone else thought it was stupid.)

Anyway, I was thrilled that Elise was coming out for an open house in Michigan the month after her wedding (since she decided to leave on her honeymoon after her wedding instead of hanging out with me.  What's up with that?).  So thrilled, in fact, that when she asked me if I could come earlier and stay later I packed up my FIVE CHILDREN in an hour and half (!!!!!!) and drove by myself so that I could spend an extra couple of days with her, rather than leaving later in the week with Neil as we'd planned (he drove up separately a few days later).

One of my favorite parts of the openhouse was watching my grandfather hold his namesake--Nathan's middle name, Edward, is for my grandfather.

And, of course, there were mass quantities of food left over afterwards and Paxton and Neil manfully did their duty by eating all the barbequed pulled pork they could hold.

Um...and that's it!  I didn't take any pictures of all the fun times where we were just hanging out relaxing and playing games and eating.  I love spending time with my family so much--they are the best!  And I was so happy that Neil could come up for a couple of days--he was there for my birthday and it was wonderful.  And the rest of the photos from that weekend (from my camera, as opposed to the iPad) are here.