**For today's picture post, scroll down.**A few nights ago I dreamed I was back in school--law school, to be precise. I stopped in an on-campus bathroom just before going to take a final and I found Juliet in there, crying and entertaining herself with a roll of toilet paper. I quickly calmed her down and took her back to the on-site daycare center, let the employees there know what I thought of them, and rushed off to take my final. I arrived a third of the way through and spent the entire time worrying about Juliet. I couldn't answer most of the questions, despite intensive preparation and studying beforehand. I knew I was in the wrong place.
I woke up and I was so glad that this, right now, is my test. That what I'm learning about right now is being a mother, and that I'm not struggling to balance that with something else that is worthy and worthwhile but not right for me, right now.
Yesterday I was reading
a talk from President Uchtdorf from the priesthood session of
April conference (have you read the Conference edition yet? It is absolutely fantastic--I come away every day feeling so inspired and motivated). Two points in particular really spoke to me, since I have been worrying a lot lately about whether I am being the kind of mother that my children need right now: "Pause for a moment and check where your own heart and thoughts are. Are you focused on the things that matter most? How you spend your quiet time may provide a valuable clue. Where do your thoughts go when the pressure of deadlines is gone? Are your thoughts and heart focused on those short-lived fleeting things that matter only in the moment or on things that matter most? [. . .] We cannot and we must not allow ourselves to get distracted from our sacred duty. We cannot and we must not lose focus on the things that matter most."
I confess I am easily distracted from mothering. I struggle with balancing exercise, personal time, housecleaning, service, and even scripture time with "mothering time," or time where I am solely focused on my children and not doing anything else simultaneously. I realize that it IS important for your children to see you exercising and reading your scriptures (how else will they see the importance of developing these as habits for themselves?) and for them to pitch in and help out with housework, weeding the garden, or helping out a neighbor. But at the same time, I feel it is very important for me to spend a certain amount of time every day where I am doing nothing but reading stories to them, or sitting on the floor playing with Lincoln Logs, or at the table coloring.
This isn't something I've necessarily worked out to my satisfaction, so I'm not writing about it because I think I have the perfect solution. Yes, I am happier with how I'm spending my time than I was six months ago. And I'm also happier with how I'm spending my time than I was when I was teaching the past two semesters. I love teaching, and I certainly appreciate the extra income, but it is really nice right now to have a slower pace to our lives. I'm not perfect, and I still get frustrated with my kids all the time, and I don't always have dinner ready right when my husband gets home, and some days I opt for a nap rather than exercising, and sometimes I fall asleep before I finish saying my prayers at night.
But I'm getting there, and I'm grateful for my progress, and I'm grateful for my children and for the chance I have to be their mother. And that my job is to be their mother. And that I have a husband who supports me in this, and that I belong to a
church that advocates spending your time and talents on things of eternal significance. I'm grateful that I can acknowledge that I'm not perfect, and see that as a cause for renewed determination and a chance to set new goals rather than something that is impossibly disheartening. I'm grateful for an upbringing and a church culture that has taught me to think this way.
A few weeks ago I spoke with a friend that I haven't talked to in years. Literally, it's been about ten years. She was very distraught, and in the course of our conversation she said something that really made me think--she told me that lately she only wants to talk to Mormons, because they are the happiest people she knows.
I'm so grateful for the gospel in my life. I'm so grateful that I
am happy, and that I know that my beloved family is sealed to me forever, and that my future is so full of potential--or, as
President Monson remarked, "the future is as bright as [my] faith."
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