Schools closing

Last night we got the news that all schools in our state would be closed through the end of the school year and that school would continue through e-learning only. It was really a pretty good day up to that point--we spent hours working in the garden, and it was a beautiful day, and we went on a walk and did lots of chalk drawings, ate dinner outside, dropped food off for the missionaries, donated blood, finished up the last day of e-Learning before spring break, and I even mopped all the floors! Talk about productive!!! And then in the waning hours of the day, we got the news about the schools & heard that Neil's company would be making drastic layoffs the following day. (More about that another time.) I spent the rest of the night watching "Tiger King" and leveling up on Duolingo, as one does (corona coping mechanisms are something else, I tell you what).

I was expecting this--I really was. But what I was not expecting was how visceral my sorrow and anxiety would be at the news. I thought I was prepared--I mean, really, there was NO way the kids would go back to school this year. And yet when it actually became 100% reality, I was filled with so much grief and worry. Sadness for my children who never got the chance to say goodbye to beloved teachers (especially Isaac who will be in middle school next year & Matthew who is so sad every day that he doesn't get to go to preschool & is too young to understand why his world has suddenly changed overnight), who haven't seen friends in a month and don't know when they will see them again, and so, so, so much worry about how this will affect my children long-term.

I'm worried about the impacts on both their education and their psyches. It's semi-reassuring to me to know that children all over the globe are in the same situation (but then I start worrying about maybe everyone but me is really stepping it up and my kids will be so far behind--argh), but what is of most concern to me is how will this shape their personalities and their abilities to respond to trauma--because that's what this is. It is traumatic. And it terrifies me that I am inadequate to help them through this when I myself am feeling so much turmoil and fear.

Some days I am okay with all of this, but today I'm not. And I'm giving myself grace to not be okay, and to just sit with that fear, and acknowledge it as valid.