Today

...was hard.

We are supposed to be on a Florida beach right now.

Instead we drove to Neil’s office and turned in our company lease (we don’t need 2 cars right now).

I stared out the window at the acres and acres of empty parking lots at the plant and felt numb.

On the way home I listened to Neil’s end of his work call. Today he still has a job. Most of the engineers at his company do not. There’s a mandatory 20% salary deferment for the managing engineers who were not laid off. I’m not worried about money now but I am worried about how long he will still have a job if this keeps going.

The kids had piano over FaceTime.

I laid on my bed during their lessons and just sobbed. I’m deep in a depressive episode and while I can recognize it and I know it’s my brain and not reality, I’m still convinced that my family would be doing so much better through this if they had a different wife and mother to rely on.

When I’m really stressed I tear at my feet. Right now they are so bloodied that I can’t walk without intense pain, let alone run.

I had a package of Ritz crackers today for dinner and then fell asleep at 6 pm.

I had so many things to do for work today and I could only handle answering two emails at a time. Then I had to walk away. It took me all day to get through my inbox.

I feel intense guilt right now for not having this fun spring break plan for my kids. I feel anger that I DID plan something fun and we had to cancel. I feel resentment that most of the complications with the kids being home has fallen on me, and I feel guilt for every single minute that Neil spends with us rather than in his office. I feel fear when my breathing is so labored that I am using my rescue inhaler every four hours, and when I can’t make it through a full sentence without stopping to draw a deep breath. And mostly I want to feel nothing, and that’s what is scariest of all.